Free Agent Fan-To-be; Will Sell Loyalty for Right Combination

For as long as I've been old enough to watch and understand professional basketball, Shaquille O'Neal has been the center of my basketball universe.  I can remember his rookie season in 1992.  I was six.  My cousin showed me a Sports Illustrated cover with one simple word: SHAQ! It was a picture of a young Diesel ripping down a backboard.  For a 6-year-old white kid living in suburban Central Virginia, you cannot underestimate the ffect that a 7-foot black man pulling down rims and shattering backboards had on me.  It was the most amazing display of power I had ever seen.  I remember a Phoenix game in Orlando where he brought down the whole basket structure.  It just collapsed.


I was hooked.


Shaq has been my favorite player since.  Even as a he stopped ripping down shot clocks, he began dominating the league like he dominated baskets.  For Christmas I got a jersey, I got a big locker with Shaq's jersey number on it (which I still have in my room in my parents' house to this day).  My brother made a paper mache figure of Shaq dunking and gave it to me.  I have Christmas tree ornaments.  I have Lakers and Heat jerseys for the Big Fella.  I've followed him through good times (three straight titles in LA) and bad (the end in Miami).  I hate to see him go.


But just like every great player, Shaq got old.  He's doesn't have much left in the tank.  He's out of shape, and he's more concerned with moving on to the next phase of his career than getting back into good shape so he could, you know, win another title.  He's the Big Bodyguard in Cleveland now.  His destiny is to help Lebron win his first title and ride off into the sunset to be a color-commentary guy or a studio commentator. 


I'm fine with this.  But since 1992, my favorite team has been whoever Shaq is playing for at the time.  I've loved the Magic, Lakers, Heat, Suns (ugh), and now the Cavs.  Yes, I'm not a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.  Call me a fairweather; I call me Shaq-weather.  So when Shaq retires, I'll need a new team, a new player, and a new vibe to follow in the NBA.


As Kenny Fischer once posed the question in "Can't Hardly Wait," "But who will it be?"


There are 30 teams in the NBA, and seeing as we're headed for a lockout in 2011-2012, maybe this doesn't matter.  But being a free-agent fan in any sport sucks.  It gives you no perspective on the league and no reason to care.  Now if you follow a team and cheer for it and genuinely care what happens, all of a sudden the NBA is more than just impossibly tall dudes doing things you can only do with a Playstation controller in your hands.  But I'm very specific in my criteria. 


Wins and Losses Play a Roll, But Not In the Way You Think


First off: I hate fairweather fans (my current support for Cleveland not qualifying due to my consistent support for Shaq).  So that eliminates teams that are already good that I have no reason to root for.  This includes the Celtics, Magic, Lakers, Nuggets (sadly), Jazz, Mavericks, and Spurs.  All of these teams have been on the rise or at the top for a few years, so to jump on their bandwagons now would be reprehensible.


Bigger Isn't Necessarily Better


Second, I hate big-market teams to which I have no connection.  This eliminates the Sixers, Knicks (thank God), Nets (again, thank God), Bulls, Clippers, Pistons, and Rockets.


Blame Canada


I refuse to be a fan of a Canadian team that I could never see live.  I'm not going to Toronto.  Plus their mascot is the Raptor and was chosen to capture the popularity of the Jurassic Park trilogy.  How's that working out in 2010? No way I'm becoming a fan of that team unless Shaq AND Lebron somehow go there. 


Entice Me


I suppose I could stay a Cleveland fan, but if Lebron stays I'm just a Lebron bandwagon fan, and if he goes they're just some small market team from up north that I have no connection to.  They might as well be the Raptors.


The Hornets are a cash-strapped team with aging or injured vets that would seem to have no hope to beat anyone if they even make the playoffs.  Chris Paul is a great talant, but now he's a great talent without a meniscus.  How long is it until football season?


Golden State would be so much fun to root for.  They play in Oakland, they're all tatted up.  They have Anthnoy Randolph, Monta Ellis, and Steph Curry.  But they play like chickens running around with their heads cut off and they have a coach who doesn't seem to really care what happens.  Does Nelly Ball mean you're a completely absentee coach?


I could see myself being a Sacramento Kings fan.  Oh, wait, I hate the Kings because I was a Lakers fan in the early part of the 2000s.  I still have flashbacks to Vlade Divac flopping when Shaq breathed on him and Bobby Jackson's giant ears.  Plus I thought the Malouf brothers were two gay partners until I heard they were brothers.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...


The TWolves, Bucks, and Pacers are all decent possibilities.  But read the title of this section again: entice me.  Minnesota has a GM who drafted two point guards back-to-back and scared Ricky Rubio bad enough to decide to keep playing in an inferior league for three more years.  I don't blame him.  I wouldn't want to lose 60 games and spend the winter in Minneapolis either.  Milwaukee is an organization that purposely drafted Yi Jianlian.  I realize they traded him, but still, they could've had Joakim Noah, Al Thonton, Rodney Stuckey, Jared Dudley, Wilson Chandler, Aaron Brooks, Aaron Afflalo, Carl Landry, and Marc Gasol.  Can't support that kind of ineptitude.  It will only get me hurt.  I really should like the Pacers because I've got family in Indiana and they're one of the whitest teams around (Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, AND Josh McRoberts!).;  But they're also one of the whitest teams around (Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, AND Josh McRoberts!); so, you know, they suck. 


You Can Never Go Home Again


Once you forsake one team for another, you can't just go back.  That would be like Brad Pitt dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angenlina Jolie and then being linked back to Jen in countless grocery-store tabloids.  Ridiculous right? Following that logic, I'm saying so-long to the Heat and Suns.


Now We're Talking


After we let the dust settle, we're left with a few good options: Hawks, Bobcats, Wizards, Blazers, and Grizzlies.


It's tough not to feel some love for the Hawks.  I love the way they stood up to the Celtics two years ago.  They got steamrolled by the Cavs last year, but that's what the Lebron Express does.  They have a core of young players like Al Horford and Josh Smith.  They have some talented vets like Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby.  They play a fun style, and they play in a town I would love to live in.  But they're a big enough market to get excluded from my list and they're a good enough team that I'd feel totally bandwagon if I bought a Hawk's jersey.  There are other reasons why I'm not allowed to be a Hawks fan, but I can't get into them and not be racist.  Umm, get it?


Charlotte has a lot of potential as a team to support, Gerald Wallace being the biggest one.  They're also geographically close to my hometown of Richmond, Virginia.  But two things kill them in the running for my loyalty: the team name and Larry Brown.  Dating back to the '04 finals when Larry Brown took a team with inferior talent and beat my Lakers who were starting 4 Hall of Famers, I've never forgiven him.  If Larry Brown ever coach my favorite team, they would no longer be my favorite team.  And finally, the Charlotte Bobcats?  I could never like a team named the Bobcats.  I hate the name Bob.  I hate cats.  I don't think that Bobcats has anything to do with Charlotte.  This is one of the lamest team names in pro sports that was not created in the 19th century (Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Stockings, Boston Red Stockings, Dayton Triangles, you all get a pass).  It'd be like being a Columbus Blue Jackets fan, or a Minnesota Wild fan, or (gasp!), a Houston Texans fan.


Geographically, the Washington Wizards are the most logical choice for a favorite team.  Back when they were the Washington Bullets and had Chris Webber and Juwan Howard from the Fab Five, I seriously considered becoming a fan.  But with the Gilbert Arenas situation (and contract) hanging over their heads, the Wiz are selling off assetts like a desperate Enron in 2001.  Bye bye Caron Butler and Brendan Haywood, hello cap relief!  You know what's not fun to root for? The Washington Expiring Contracts.  Plus, you know, Wizards is a shitty nickname and the team has little or no hope of competing in the next few years due to the Arenas max deal.  Sorry DC.  Can't do it.


I love Memphis, I've actually been to a Grizzlies game before, and I genuinely like the new mojo they've got up there.  Zach Randolph looks like a legit player now.  Rudy Gay has a lot of talent, and OJ Mayo is pretty damn good as well.  They also have Pau Gasol's little brother, so that's cool.  More importantly, they're one of those feel-good, underdog, came out of nowhere stories.  If the Griz made the playoffs and then somehow upset a one-seed (a la Golden State vs. Dallas), I'd be proud to stand there in a pair of blue and yellow shorts saying "Those are my boys!"  But even with a winning team, there's no telling how long Memphis will even be in Memphis.  There's also no telling how long this Zach Randolph will be around.  This is the same guy that asked for bereavement leave when his grandmother died and spent that bereavement leave in a Portland stripclub.  I be strippers are excellent listeners, but it goes to the guys character.  That's why this whole season is a shocker.  It's also why I can't be  a fan of the _______ Grizzlies.


Oh Greg Oden.  You and your penis have ruined so many things for the Trailblazers.  Just when they had shed they're JailBlazer image, just when they had a young nucleus built around a semi-local player (Brandon Roy is from Seattle), just when there was hope there...they bust on another number one draft pick (Think Sam Bowie) and everyone gets hurt.  The Marcus Camby trade helps a lot, but that does not make the team any more likeable or better to root for.  They'll be lucky to make the playoffs and be first-round fodder for the Lakers, Nuggets, Jazz, or Mavs.  This was the year the Blazers were supposed to make the leap.  Instead they're the Houston Texans of the NBA: lots of hope and hype, no results.  Can't root for this team, although they do present a good second option.


Which Leaves Us With...


The Seattle Supersonics.  I've fought it and fought it and fought it for so long.  I'm basically Kevin Costner from Mr. Brooks.  William Hurt is over my shoulder asking me, "Why do you fight it so hard?"  I have to kill again, and in this case the victim is my college buddy Keller.  Keller is a Seattle native, and I told him I couldn't be an Oklahoma City Thunder fan because of the way ownership and the league took a dump on Seattle.


But look at these guys.  They have the league's best young player.  Kevin Durant is going to score 30 a game this year.  They have a great young group of guys like Russell Westbrook, James, Harden, and Jeff Green.  They have great leadership in GM Sam Presti, so you know they won't make any dumb decisions (a team you can be behind for the long haul).  Plus, no one is really on to them yet as far as anything resmbling a bandwagon.  So many people are still uneasy about the way they left Seattle, it's like make 9/11 jokes in 2002.  Too soon?  Well, I hate the city of Oklahoma City.  I hate the way they left Seattle.  I hate Clay Bennett.  But you gotta love this team.

So it's settled.  In 2010, Shaq and Lebron will beat up Kobe and the Lakers.  Shaq rides off into the sunset, and I become a fan of the Oklahoma City Thunder.  My friend Keller has already said, "You're dead to me."  But don't worry, there's plenty of room on this bandwagon.