Free Agent Fan-To-be; Will Sell Loyalty for Right Combination

For as long as I've been old enough to watch and understand professional basketball, Shaquille O'Neal has been the center of my basketball universe.  I can remember his rookie season in 1992.  I was six.  My cousin showed me a Sports Illustrated cover with one simple word: SHAQ! It was a picture of a young Diesel ripping down a backboard.  For a 6-year-old white kid living in suburban Central Virginia, you cannot underestimate the ffect that a 7-foot black man pulling down rims and shattering backboards had on me.  It was the most amazing display of power I had ever seen.  I remember a Phoenix game in Orlando where he brought down the whole basket structure.  It just collapsed.


I was hooked.


Shaq has been my favorite player since.  Even as a he stopped ripping down shot clocks, he began dominating the league like he dominated baskets.  For Christmas I got a jersey, I got a big locker with Shaq's jersey number on it (which I still have in my room in my parents' house to this day).  My brother made a paper mache figure of Shaq dunking and gave it to me.  I have Christmas tree ornaments.  I have Lakers and Heat jerseys for the Big Fella.  I've followed him through good times (three straight titles in LA) and bad (the end in Miami).  I hate to see him go.


But just like every great player, Shaq got old.  He's doesn't have much left in the tank.  He's out of shape, and he's more concerned with moving on to the next phase of his career than getting back into good shape so he could, you know, win another title.  He's the Big Bodyguard in Cleveland now.  His destiny is to help Lebron win his first title and ride off into the sunset to be a color-commentary guy or a studio commentator. 


I'm fine with this.  But since 1992, my favorite team has been whoever Shaq is playing for at the time.  I've loved the Magic, Lakers, Heat, Suns (ugh), and now the Cavs.  Yes, I'm not a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.  Call me a fairweather; I call me Shaq-weather.  So when Shaq retires, I'll need a new team, a new player, and a new vibe to follow in the NBA.


As Kenny Fischer once posed the question in "Can't Hardly Wait," "But who will it be?"


There are 30 teams in the NBA, and seeing as we're headed for a lockout in 2011-2012, maybe this doesn't matter.  But being a free-agent fan in any sport sucks.  It gives you no perspective on the league and no reason to care.  Now if you follow a team and cheer for it and genuinely care what happens, all of a sudden the NBA is more than just impossibly tall dudes doing things you can only do with a Playstation controller in your hands.  But I'm very specific in my criteria. 


Wins and Losses Play a Roll, But Not In the Way You Think


First off: I hate fairweather fans (my current support for Cleveland not qualifying due to my consistent support for Shaq).  So that eliminates teams that are already good that I have no reason to root for.  This includes the Celtics, Magic, Lakers, Nuggets (sadly), Jazz, Mavericks, and Spurs.  All of these teams have been on the rise or at the top for a few years, so to jump on their bandwagons now would be reprehensible.


Bigger Isn't Necessarily Better


Second, I hate big-market teams to which I have no connection.  This eliminates the Sixers, Knicks (thank God), Nets (again, thank God), Bulls, Clippers, Pistons, and Rockets.


Blame Canada


I refuse to be a fan of a Canadian team that I could never see live.  I'm not going to Toronto.  Plus their mascot is the Raptor and was chosen to capture the popularity of the Jurassic Park trilogy.  How's that working out in 2010? No way I'm becoming a fan of that team unless Shaq AND Lebron somehow go there. 


Entice Me


I suppose I could stay a Cleveland fan, but if Lebron stays I'm just a Lebron bandwagon fan, and if he goes they're just some small market team from up north that I have no connection to.  They might as well be the Raptors.


The Hornets are a cash-strapped team with aging or injured vets that would seem to have no hope to beat anyone if they even make the playoffs.  Chris Paul is a great talant, but now he's a great talent without a meniscus.  How long is it until football season?


Golden State would be so much fun to root for.  They play in Oakland, they're all tatted up.  They have Anthnoy Randolph, Monta Ellis, and Steph Curry.  But they play like chickens running around with their heads cut off and they have a coach who doesn't seem to really care what happens.  Does Nelly Ball mean you're a completely absentee coach?


I could see myself being a Sacramento Kings fan.  Oh, wait, I hate the Kings because I was a Lakers fan in the early part of the 2000s.  I still have flashbacks to Vlade Divac flopping when Shaq breathed on him and Bobby Jackson's giant ears.  Plus I thought the Malouf brothers were two gay partners until I heard they were brothers.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...


The TWolves, Bucks, and Pacers are all decent possibilities.  But read the title of this section again: entice me.  Minnesota has a GM who drafted two point guards back-to-back and scared Ricky Rubio bad enough to decide to keep playing in an inferior league for three more years.  I don't blame him.  I wouldn't want to lose 60 games and spend the winter in Minneapolis either.  Milwaukee is an organization that purposely drafted Yi Jianlian.  I realize they traded him, but still, they could've had Joakim Noah, Al Thonton, Rodney Stuckey, Jared Dudley, Wilson Chandler, Aaron Brooks, Aaron Afflalo, Carl Landry, and Marc Gasol.  Can't support that kind of ineptitude.  It will only get me hurt.  I really should like the Pacers because I've got family in Indiana and they're one of the whitest teams around (Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, AND Josh McRoberts!).;  But they're also one of the whitest teams around (Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, AND Josh McRoberts!); so, you know, they suck. 


You Can Never Go Home Again


Once you forsake one team for another, you can't just go back.  That would be like Brad Pitt dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angenlina Jolie and then being linked back to Jen in countless grocery-store tabloids.  Ridiculous right? Following that logic, I'm saying so-long to the Heat and Suns.


Now We're Talking


After we let the dust settle, we're left with a few good options: Hawks, Bobcats, Wizards, Blazers, and Grizzlies.


It's tough not to feel some love for the Hawks.  I love the way they stood up to the Celtics two years ago.  They got steamrolled by the Cavs last year, but that's what the Lebron Express does.  They have a core of young players like Al Horford and Josh Smith.  They have some talented vets like Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby.  They play a fun style, and they play in a town I would love to live in.  But they're a big enough market to get excluded from my list and they're a good enough team that I'd feel totally bandwagon if I bought a Hawk's jersey.  There are other reasons why I'm not allowed to be a Hawks fan, but I can't get into them and not be racist.  Umm, get it?


Charlotte has a lot of potential as a team to support, Gerald Wallace being the biggest one.  They're also geographically close to my hometown of Richmond, Virginia.  But two things kill them in the running for my loyalty: the team name and Larry Brown.  Dating back to the '04 finals when Larry Brown took a team with inferior talent and beat my Lakers who were starting 4 Hall of Famers, I've never forgiven him.  If Larry Brown ever coach my favorite team, they would no longer be my favorite team.  And finally, the Charlotte Bobcats?  I could never like a team named the Bobcats.  I hate the name Bob.  I hate cats.  I don't think that Bobcats has anything to do with Charlotte.  This is one of the lamest team names in pro sports that was not created in the 19th century (Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Stockings, Boston Red Stockings, Dayton Triangles, you all get a pass).  It'd be like being a Columbus Blue Jackets fan, or a Minnesota Wild fan, or (gasp!), a Houston Texans fan.


Geographically, the Washington Wizards are the most logical choice for a favorite team.  Back when they were the Washington Bullets and had Chris Webber and Juwan Howard from the Fab Five, I seriously considered becoming a fan.  But with the Gilbert Arenas situation (and contract) hanging over their heads, the Wiz are selling off assetts like a desperate Enron in 2001.  Bye bye Caron Butler and Brendan Haywood, hello cap relief!  You know what's not fun to root for? The Washington Expiring Contracts.  Plus, you know, Wizards is a shitty nickname and the team has little or no hope of competing in the next few years due to the Arenas max deal.  Sorry DC.  Can't do it.


I love Memphis, I've actually been to a Grizzlies game before, and I genuinely like the new mojo they've got up there.  Zach Randolph looks like a legit player now.  Rudy Gay has a lot of talent, and OJ Mayo is pretty damn good as well.  They also have Pau Gasol's little brother, so that's cool.  More importantly, they're one of those feel-good, underdog, came out of nowhere stories.  If the Griz made the playoffs and then somehow upset a one-seed (a la Golden State vs. Dallas), I'd be proud to stand there in a pair of blue and yellow shorts saying "Those are my boys!"  But even with a winning team, there's no telling how long Memphis will even be in Memphis.  There's also no telling how long this Zach Randolph will be around.  This is the same guy that asked for bereavement leave when his grandmother died and spent that bereavement leave in a Portland stripclub.  I be strippers are excellent listeners, but it goes to the guys character.  That's why this whole season is a shocker.  It's also why I can't be  a fan of the _______ Grizzlies.


Oh Greg Oden.  You and your penis have ruined so many things for the Trailblazers.  Just when they had shed they're JailBlazer image, just when they had a young nucleus built around a semi-local player (Brandon Roy is from Seattle), just when there was hope there...they bust on another number one draft pick (Think Sam Bowie) and everyone gets hurt.  The Marcus Camby trade helps a lot, but that does not make the team any more likeable or better to root for.  They'll be lucky to make the playoffs and be first-round fodder for the Lakers, Nuggets, Jazz, or Mavs.  This was the year the Blazers were supposed to make the leap.  Instead they're the Houston Texans of the NBA: lots of hope and hype, no results.  Can't root for this team, although they do present a good second option.


Which Leaves Us With...


The Seattle Supersonics.  I've fought it and fought it and fought it for so long.  I'm basically Kevin Costner from Mr. Brooks.  William Hurt is over my shoulder asking me, "Why do you fight it so hard?"  I have to kill again, and in this case the victim is my college buddy Keller.  Keller is a Seattle native, and I told him I couldn't be an Oklahoma City Thunder fan because of the way ownership and the league took a dump on Seattle.


But look at these guys.  They have the league's best young player.  Kevin Durant is going to score 30 a game this year.  They have a great young group of guys like Russell Westbrook, James, Harden, and Jeff Green.  They have great leadership in GM Sam Presti, so you know they won't make any dumb decisions (a team you can be behind for the long haul).  Plus, no one is really on to them yet as far as anything resmbling a bandwagon.  So many people are still uneasy about the way they left Seattle, it's like make 9/11 jokes in 2002.  Too soon?  Well, I hate the city of Oklahoma City.  I hate the way they left Seattle.  I hate Clay Bennett.  But you gotta love this team.

So it's settled.  In 2010, Shaq and Lebron will beat up Kobe and the Lakers.  Shaq rides off into the sunset, and I become a fan of the Oklahoma City Thunder.  My friend Keller has already said, "You're dead to me."  But don't worry, there's plenty of room on this bandwagon.

National Semifinal Play-By-Play

Disclaimer:  I'm referring to Alabama-Texas as a National Semifinal because having two undefeated teams play for a national title when three other teams were also undefeated makes no sense.  Especially if two of the other three undefeated teams played each other and one of the teams won 14 games this season.  There should be another game.  Period.


Pregame: I'm picking Texas.


Pregame: I wonder how long Brent Musberger plans on dropping his corny-ass lines.


Pregame: Fat, drunk, sweatty dudes in bowties...welcome to Alabama.


Pregame: This game is going to be great.  The matchup of which school has hotter women would be equally as tight...and awesome.


Pregame: Corso picks the Horns.  A good sign for Mack Brown and me, I guess.


1 Q 13:45--- Greg McElroy is efficient, but he is not good.  I think that will be proven tonight as he faces Texas's stellar D.


1 Q 13:05--- 'Bama goes 3 and out with a penalty and a sack given up...BIG win for Texas.


1 Q 13:01--- Did Chris Peterson just enter Nick Saban's body?  I can't believe he'd run a fake punt on the first series of the game.  Why give a good offense a short field?  Why give them the momentum?  Why have your punter throw a pass?  Why Nick WHY? Musberger just called it a Bellichick move...Saban (and the Miami Dolphins) wish!


1 Q 11:20--- If I was McCoy, I wouldn't run too much tonight.  I'd like to stay healthy.


1 Q 10:54--- And right on cue!  Down goes McCoy.  I thought he'd get hurt if he ran too much.  I just didn't think it would happen immediately.


1 Q 10:54--- Taco Bell is the only restaurant that makes me want to get high so I can enjoy the food more.


1 Q 10:54--- So far it's a wash.  'Bama had an identity crisis.  Colt McCoy is hurt.


1 Q 10:46--- DJ Monroe with a great run.  Gilbert's in for the TD!  Flag down.  Flags on scoring plays are the worst thing about the game of football.  How many other sports do you see something, cheer like crazy, only to have someone say, "Nevermind.  We're going to have a re-do."?


1 Q 10:37---Offsetting penalties are the worst possible thing that could have happened for Texas, who's trying to speed up the tempo.


1 Q 9:48--- We're about to see if UT is afraid to let Gilbert throw the ball.


1 Q 9:14--- They;re not but maybe they should be.  McCoy is heading back to the locker room.  Texas is getting nothing from the 1 yard line.  Even though it's 3-0, I gotta count that as a big momentum swing back to Alabama.


1 Q 9:11--- Don't sleep on Gilbert.  Texas (and Alabama for that matter) doesn't recruit shitty football players.  I bet the kid's good.  But against Mount Cody and co.?  We'll see.


1 Q 9:11--- If McCoy is really hurt, this could be the worst comeback season ever (this side of Sam Bradford).  No Heisman.  No championship game.  No courtesy shots of Rachel Glandorf?  NOOOOOOOOO.


1 Q 9:11--- And the momentum goes back to Tejas.  Look, if 'Bama continues to shit the bed, I could play QB for UT and the Longhorns would still win the title.  Ball goes back to Texas on an Alabama fumble on the kickoff.


1 Q 8:30---Looks like it's up to Tre Newton and DJ Monroe to win the title.


1 Q 8:09--- This has to be the toughest thing for an offensive coordinator.  You prepare for a month with a Heisman candidate QB, only to have him knocked out in 3 minutes.  Now you have a feshman and you're afraid to throw the ball like you've done ALL SEASON.  Wow.


1 Q 8:09--- 'Bama doesn't have the type of offense that can just give away 6 points and feel fine.  Yet here we are: Texas leads it by two field goals handed to them by 'Bama mistakes.


1 Q 7:59--- Me: Would be so lame if Colt didn't come back.
                  Newman: Is there any decency in the world?


1 Q 7:30--- Another Texas sack.  Alabama is choking BIG TIME.


1 Q 7:12--- Why did it take THAT long for the Heisman winner to get the damn ball?  Do you realize the punter threw a pass before Mark Ingram ran the ball?


1 Q 6:37--- ANOTHER sack.  This is a nightmare for Bama.


1 Q 5:30--- I get it now.  Alabama has to throw with their punter because they can't protect their QB.


1 Q 5:00--- And when the Alabama line protects McElroy, it's a coverage sack.


1 Q 4:10--- Having been a sideline reporter, I feel I can say this: they're useless.  We just went down to the field to learn what we already knew: McCoy is getting his shoulder X-rayed.


1 Q 3:30--- UT's offense is now boring vanilla and Bama's is nonexistent.  BORING!


1 Q 2:07--- I think Alabama has figured it out: when you have a Heisman winner, you give him the damn ball.


1 Q 0:41--- And McElroy finally completes a pass!  It comes with 41 seconds to go in the quarter.  More telling, it comes off play-action because Bama was running the ball with Ingram.  I could do this job.


1 Q 0:00--- Look at Ingram running people over.  That's what he's meant to do.  Ride that workhorse Bama.


2 Q 14:18--- TD Alabama.  They figured it out.  Just keep it on the ground.  It's not rocket science.


2 Q 13:38--- With the lead now and a QB who's probably afraid to piss, Bama has a BIG advantage.


2 Q 13:03--- This can't be Texas's plan.  Greg Davis has to be waiting for McCoy to get back.  They stand no chance if they don't open it up a little, freshman QB be damned.


2 Q 12:34--- Herbstriet's analysis was dead on that series on two points: 1) Texas's OC Greg Davis is now playing "with one arm tied behind his back" because of the injury to McCoy.  And 2) "Right now the game is moving very fast for Garrett Gilbert.  Faster than he's ready for."


2 Q 12:15--- I believe we're about to see one of the best defenses in the country against a 3rd string QB.  This is a travesty of a national "title" game for many reasons now.


2 Q 12:00--- Vince Young in the house!  UT sure could use you now.


2 Q 11:30--- Gilbert's coming back (Thanks Tom Rinaldi).  Can't decide if this is a good thing.


2 Q 11:00--- 4 sacks in 4 series for UT.  That's why Bama should be running the ball on every down here.


2 Q 10:07--- I thought this game would be exciting but now I'm thinking it might turn into a snooze fest. Neither offense can do anything; Texas because of injury and Bama because of incompetence.


2 Q 9:09--- No first downs for Gilbert thus far.  He's worthless.


2 Q 8:56--- Bama will absolutely grind Texas into nothing if the game continues like this.


2 Q 8:45--- I'd like to congratulate the American people for sponsoring this national semifinal.  Brought to you by Citi, who is kept afloat by taxpayer bailout money.  Really a great job there, John Q. Public.


2 Q 8:38-- Bama should be Ingram, Ingram, Ingram, punt.  Right now this Texas offense is nonexistent.


2 Q 7:59--- OK, so a 49 yard TD from Trent Richardson is a pretty good playcall too.  14-6 Bama.  Game OVER unless McCoy comes back.


2 Q 7:59 Newman: "If Colt McCoy is in this game Texas is winning it and no one can tell me different."  I have to agree.


2 Q 7:47--- Great run by Monroe, but this strategy still can't win for Texas.


2 Q 7:16--- Great throw by Gilbert.  Malcom Williams should've had that one.


2 Q 7:12--- Let me be the first to say, "Colt McCoy doesn't make mistakes like that."


2 Q 6:10--- Seriously, just give the ball to Ingram.  He's like a bowling ball rolling down a bobsled course.


2 Q 4:38--- What;'s interesting is that Garrett Gilbert and Greg McElroy are having pretty much the same game right now.  But Bama has a solid running game and Texas hasn't run the ball all season.


2 Q 3:30--- That was the most awkward punt downing I've seen.  I don't think the good folks of Alabama have ever cheered louder for one man jumping on another man's backside and squirming around.


2 Q 2:55--- This game is becoming unwatchable.


2 Q 2:01--- Bama will score right here.


2 Q 0:47--- I'd go for it if I were Saban.  What Texas offense are you afraid of?  Are we watching the same game?  I touchdown officially puts it out of reach.


2 Q 0:29--- OK, Texas Defense.  Either you score or you lose.  And yes, I meant the Defense.


2 Q0:03--- That's a TD, ladies and gentlemen.  I'm going to the gym!  This game is a waste of my time.

Sports Virtures

The Ex-Pat Hombre checks back in with a quick plug.

Amidst the current political and financial turmoil that our country faces, Fritz Knapp gives us a reason to hope again. "The Book of Sports Virtues" tells the story of some of America's greatest sports heroes, who not only excelled on the field of play, but off of it as well. Check out www.sportvirtues.com for more insight into the lives of these great athletes, specifically Fritz's interview.

Long Overdue, An Opinion on Tiger

For as long as this Tiger Woods deal has been a story (since about Thanksgiving), I've wanted nothing more than to keep my hands off of it.  Newman wanted to write about it.  I did not.  We had the following conversation via Facebook messages earlier this week:


Newman: "We need to write something bout TWoods.  This is sad."
Mitch: "It really is, but I don't feel like it's my place."
Newman: "We're writers.  It's our job to give an opinion on it."
Newman: "Made-up job, but still."
Mitch: "Haha...fake job indeed.  Can my opinion be that it's none of my fucking business?
Newman: "But here is the "greatest athlete of our generation" and his life is in shambles...there has to be an opinion from a fan's point of view."
Mitch: "You write it.  I'll respond in some manner."


So you can see my opinion on this topic.  But Newman's response was to post an article that was already written by Bill Simmons.  That's a huge cop-out for both of us, and I'm quite certain it's also completely illegal, no matter how much attribution we give the Sports Guy.

But on Friday, Tiger Woods made the kind of Earth-shattering decision that I just feel I had to comment on.  What men and women do in their private lives is their own business.  I myself can't comprehend how you could cheat on a Swedish supermodel.  I'm thinking, "Dude!  She's a Swedish supermodel! You're married to quite possibly the hottest world stereotype.  You can have sex with her whenever you want.  And...it's not enough?"


Apparently not, but as I said, I'm not here to judge what a man does in his private life.


She was a Swedish nanny who also happened to have done some modeling. Supermodel? No. And not sure why this figures into all this. Men and women both cheat and I am sure those reasons are limited to or have much to do with looks. Show me the best looking girl you know and I'll show you the guy whose tired of f**king her. It's just a fact and anyone who has been in a relationship long enough can tell you. New is alluring. New is exciting. And it has nothing to do with anything other than being something different than what you're used to. The sad truth is Tiger has been a womanizer since before this marriage. That's who he is and who he has been and the media and fans haven't cared because he is so damn great at what he does and he also has kept a tight lid on his privacy.


My problem is with Tiger making the decision to take "an indefinite leave" from golf.


Follow me down the path of twisted truth and logic.


One of my cameramen and I were discussing this earlier this week before Tiger had made the announcement.  He said, "I think Tiger should just quit golf.  He should just take his billion dollars and go into investments.  Build himself a golf course on his own private island, watch his money grow, and just get away from all this."


I countered by saying that that is the exact wrong decision for Tiger.  Anyone who's ever had a long term relationship knows that when things fall apart as they inevitably do, you have two options: 1) sit and sulk 2) or get back to work and try to act like everything's fine.  Option 1 never works.  You sit around thinking about how much happier you used to be and wondering "Why me?"  You listen to songs like "Anything" by the Plain White Ts and "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits.  You marvel at the fact that every singer/songwriter seems to be speaking directly either to you or to the one who hurt you, completely ignoring the fact that how you feel is totally unoriginal and cliche (that's why all the songs are about you.  because they're not).


Pretty sure Tiger isn't taking this break to "sit and sulk". He is doing it because golf, his job, is not that important in the great scheme of things. Tiger needs to fix himself and what he can of his family and marriage. It would be disgusting for him to trot back on a golf course and start playing when you know things aren't right. His fortune affords him the opportunity to concentrate on what should be important to him, and by indefinitely taking a leave from the game we know he loves and know he dominants, he is taking a step in the right direction.


When you get back to work, on the other hand, you remember that you are a person independent of your former lover.  You keep your head down, ignore those feelings, and eventually they go away and don't come out until you shoot up your work place 5 years later (I will NEVER do this, in case the FBI is reading).  But seriously, getting back to work is the best way to put any sort of tragedy behind you psychologically.  That's the entire premise of the HBO documentary 9 Innings from 9/11.  The whole point is that after an incredible assault and initial shock, baseball got things back to normal for this country (well, sports in general) and unquestionably gave us something to rally around in order to move forward.


I don't think it is a very fair comparison to equate baseball returning after 9/11 to Tiger Woods returning to golf. Sports gave Americans hope and an ease of mind after a national tragedy. Tiger returning to golf would do what exactly? Why would this be a rallying point right now? Phil Mickelson took a break from golf to focus on his family when his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Right move. When things aren't right at home or in your personal life you need to take care of that first. Not play a game.It would be incredibly disingenuous for him to start playing even remotely soon.

By deciding to take an indefinite leave from golf, Tiger is taking option #1 (false) to sit around and sulk and concentrate on fixing that he has broken.  But again, anybody who has been through a big time breakup knows that hopes to completely reconcile never work.  "A crumpled up paper can't be perfect again," wrote Linkin Park, and they're right.  In Tiger's case, that "crumpled up paper" is actually crumpled up, then shredded, then shredded again, then covered in hydrochloric acid, then strapped to a pack of C-4 and detonated.  That paper will NEVER be perfect again.  His marriage is done and he's likely screwed up his kids lives as well as his own bank account (the former obviously being the more important, I'm just saying).  


For as long as Tiger kept his comments and actions private from the media, he had kept his head above the fray.  Maddening as it is for a media personality such as myself to say this, the best way to handle a crisis like this is to basically say nothing and assert that only you hold the facts and that the rest of the world is only speculating on something about which they know nothing.  If all the world is against you, you can still fall back on, "I have said everything I can say about this situation.  I would appreciate the media respecting my privacy as I try to repair the damage that has been done to my life."


As someone who studied public relations, this couldn't be a more stupid move. Tiger has handled this horribly. By avoiding the media and not showing your face you feed the frenzy. You feed the rumors and you give the impression, fair or not, of guilt. What is definitively "true" doesn't mean shit if the public believes otherwise. Pete Rose didn't admit to gambling for 20 years and has paid the price. Barry Bonds is still paying the price even though he has yet to be convicted of ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Alex Rodriguez came out after his name was released and admitted to using steroids (even though he didn't admit to extent of his alleged use) and look now? No one cared at the end of the year. Fans and human beings alike want to see contrite, they want to see someone sorry for their actions because we know deep down athletes are human. We are eager to forgive. By releasing impersonal statements on a website and walling himself off from the world, people have no idea of Tiger's sincerity. We need to see it. Not read it. 


But as soon as Tiger announced that he'd be taking an indefinite leave from the sport, he confirmed everything the media and tabloids had been saying for weeks. (Oh his messages and voicemails didn't confirm this? Actually the silence is what confirmed it.)  Without Tiger as a public presence to continue to deny or at least ask for privacy as he continues to win tournaments (Mitch you aren't getting privacy when you're playing public golf tournaments, making public appearances, and not commenting on an issue such as this at your press conferences), he's opened himself (his silence opened him up, his infidelity opened him up, the car crash opened him up...not this) up for the jackals at TMZ, US WEEKLY, People, and any other trash journalists to rip him apart like he used to do to the competition.  It's open season on Tiger. It's been open season since Thanksgiving night.

There is no truer statement in sports than "America loves a winner."  The key for Tiger is not to become "Eldrick Woods," his inanely human, cheating alter-ego.  The key is for him to focus MORE on golf than he ever has before.  The key is for him to hit 2,000 balls a day on the range, win every tournament, slip on a green jacket, win another U.S. Open,  kiss another Clarrett Jug, hoist another Wannamaker Trophy.  If people don't trust or like Tiger the man than what does this really do for him or us? America loves a winner, yes, but not at the point of the winner having had these sorts of transgressions without showing a public sign of remorse yet. Winning isn't a free pass out of this.


If Tiger wins more tournaments in 2010 than anyone ever has and also wins all four majors, are we still talking about some random trysts?   Do we care about Elin Nordegren?  No. (You are either grossly misunderstanding what exactly this situation is or dramatically stereotyping Americans as idiots) We go back to talking about Tiger being the most dominant golfer of his era and probably ever.  We go back to counting down how long it will be until he overtakes Jack Nicklaus.  Nothing puts Jesper Parnevik in his place like winning a Grand Slam of major tourneys while that dick is still in Q School. I'm just a little bit insulted by this write up so far. You seem to fail to understand that Tiger made poor decisions, morally wrong decisions, stupid decisions, and he is paying the price for that. Winning golf tournaments doesn't change this. And no matter what he ends up with now, he will never be remembered like Jack Nicklaus just as Bonds will never be remembered like Hank Aaron. Why is Jesper Parnevik a dick? And why's it matter if he is in Q school? He introduced the two and he has every right to have made the comments he has made. Most of which make complete sense no less. Tiger has proven to be a dick, it's evident on the golf course when he shows about as much class as a Tijuana street hooker, and now it's evident in his private life. 

For my part, I never actually believed that Tiger Woods was human.  He's a machine.  He's a Terminator sent from the future to destroy all professional golfers (except Y.E. Yang).  I've seen the man in person and asked him a question at a press conference, and that steely glare will give you chills.  You know what doesn't give me chills?  Looking at doctored photos of Elin with a 5-iron in her hands and Tiger's face all bruised and beat up.  If late February comes and that steely glare is back, and that Tiger walk returns, and he starts sticking 5 irons from 240 yards out and starts making eagles on par 5s, the Terminator returns, and we ignore his "transgressions" because they don't apply to golf. (Oh, just like when Barry kept hitting home runs and the media and fans stopped mentioning his name with regards to steroids? Or that Pete Rose still isn't in the Hall of Fame. Just like that? )


Do you realize that golf's core, purchasing-powered, audience is a bunch of old rich men who sit in men-only tap rooms and drink beer and scotch all Sunday afternoon to get away from their wives?  These are the men buying Nike drivers because they see Tiger hit it 315 with them.  These are the guys buying their kids golf merchandise and hoping to cultivate a prodigy of their own.  These are the guys that love to watch Tiger because he's unreal at what he does.  Forget the housewives that think Tiger is a piece of shit because he cheated on his wife. They don't buy sand wedges. 


Tiger Woods is a golfer, and he always has been.  The whole "family man" angle always annoyed the shit out of me, because I didn't care about Tiger's kids or his wife (insomuch as she wasn't naked).  I thought the thing with his Dad was cool, because my Dad taught me to play golf too, but then his Dad died.  The point is that Tiger is a golfer.


Elin is going to leave him, the kids will be with her.  Random skanks will still surround the dude with a billion in the bank (well, more like 1/2 a billion after Elin and the lawyers get done), but golf will always be there.


I submit that Tiger is not married to his wife (this much was clear the the staggering number of times he has cheated on her).  Tiger is married to golf.  That's the real marriage that's going to Hell right now (not sure how any time away from the game, he isn't retiring, is putting his game to Hell? He was off longer for physical reasons last year, its more understandable, and more important, to be out for mental ones).  And if that marriage collapses, Tiger ceases to be this immortal machine; he ceases to be Tiger.  He morphs into "Eldrick," and the only thing "Eldrick" is known for is cheating on his wife and getting beat up. So basically you want to be selfish and just stick with watching Tiger as some video game dominator instead of let the man improve himself as a person, as a human being, as Eldrick? 


Tiger needs to return to golf, the thing that he's been married to since he appeared on Johnny Carson at age three.  The more time he takes away, the lower he sinks into the chaos that all those years of practice and focus allowed him to ignore. 


I don't want to judge the man, because it's not my place.  But Tiger, pick up your sticks and hit the range. America loves a winner, and by the time your career is over, you'll be the biggest winner we've ever seen.  But that will only happen if you keep playing.  


Tiger needs to become a better person, and he can't do that on Tour right now. BEING on Tour would create the circus, not letting everything die down a bit. I am unselfish enough to say that I don't care how long Tiger takes off because its not about golf right now. Its not about winning or records or majors. Its about Tiger trying to reconcile with his family, with himself. It's about Tiger learning from this. If you really care about Tiger than who gives a fuck about golf?
Newman, we texted about this, so I jsut want to get my final point down online.  The disagreement between you and me is with judging his morality. I'm asserting that I make no judgement and no one has the right to do so.  That being the case, the quickest way to put it behind him is to win win win.  Tiger will never get back what he once had.  That perfect life is gone and will never return.  All he has now is golf success and whatever bartenders/waitresses or other groupies he can find.  Everything else is just blown to Hell.  If he keeps womanizing and winning golf tournaments, he'll just be Walter Hagen instead of Jack Nicklaus, but with more tournaments.  it'll be, "Greatest golfer ever, and oh by the way he cheated on his wife."  If he keeps playing, this unpleasantness is just a footnote in his story.  If he stops playing, it's a chapter in the book, and everything he does gets compared to "before the break" and after the break."

He needs to keep playing.

"Tiger Zoo"

The Dudes have been mum on the whole Tiger Woods thing. Frankly, we find the whole thing quite sad. Bill Simmons, however, posted a brilliant write up (that echoes most of our sentiments), as he often does, on ESPN's website today. The article is copied and pasted below.

With five weeks remaining in the aughts, pre-teens, double zeroes or whatever we end up calling the 2000s, the title for "Biggest Sports Story of the Decade" was up for grabs. Michael Vick? Tim Donaghy? The Mitchell report? The Artest Melee? Barry Bonds? Pat Tillman? Eagle, Colorado? Roger Clemens? Andre Agassi's admission that he won Wimbledon with a weave? You could have made a case for any of them.

And then ... Tiger happened.

 

Game over.

I'm calling it the "Tiger Zoo" instead of "TigerGate," only because we have to break the habit of slapping "gate" after everything. But the Tiger Zoo nailed every gotta-have-it component for a big-time story with legs. First, it involved one of the most famous living athletes. Second, it started definitively with a specific incident -- and not just any incident, but something that made us say, "Wait, this seems fishy, I wonder what really happened here ..." and quickly became more complex than we imagined. Third, it built steam over the next week, crossed into the mainstream and dominated conversations, e-mails and tweets. Fourth, it transformed our collective perception of a famous person and made us re-evaluate every opinion we had about him. Fifth, it grew so enormous so quickly that everyone with a forum (radio show, column, blog, whatever) felt obligated to come up with an angle on it.

Sixth, it doesn't show any signs of slowing down; if anything, it's gaining steam like a hurricane plowing toward Florida. Seventh, it involves three of the gotta-have-it basics in any gigantic story: sex, (possible) violence, and a (possible) cover-up. Eighth, there's an unanswerable question looming over everything: Even if Tiger did cheat on his wife, should it matter to anyone other than them? (My answer: It shouldn't. But that's the rub of being a public figure. If you don't want to be a public figure, don't do commercials, don't cover yourself in Nike logos and don't sell a video game with your name on it.) And ninth, it's a conspiracy-friendly saga that lends itself to all kinds of inventive angles, an absolute must for any story to maintain dominance.

That last point cemented the Tiger Zoo as an iconic story. Maybe Michael Vick's fall from grace was mildly incredible on paper, but there were no real layers to it. The facts came out, Vick's reputation was tarnished, he paid a price, and that was that. People across America weren't having arguments at cocktail parties about Vick, nor were they spending dinners breaking down facts and spouting opinions like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay debating the NFL draft.

But Tiger? Put it this way ...

You will attend a holiday party this weekend. You will start talking about Tiger with one or two other people. A few others will drift over saying, "Are you talking about Tiger?" Within a few minutes, the circle will be eight-deep. Conspiracy theories will be flying as Elvis' "Blue Christmas" plays in the background. Somebody's girlfriend or wife will say, "If that ever happened with [my man], I'd go after him with a golf club." Everyone will laugh. Eventually, you will start talking about Obama or the Saints or something. And then an hour later? The same conversation will happen in another part of the room.

In a way, that's been the most unfathomable part of this story. Tiger Woods dominating the conversation at a holiday party??? For years, nobody had an interesting take on him other than, "Wow, that guy's great." I even wrote an entire column in 2002 titled, "Tiger: What Can You Say?" He designed it that way, avoiding the media other than generic news conferences and cream-puff interviews designed to promote himself or a product. (Like this "10 minutes with Tiger" piece I wrote in 2006.) We knew little about his personal life beyond "married a Swedish nanny, lives in Orlando, has two kids." Not since DiMaggio had an athlete managed to stay this famous and this private at the same time. Hell, he named his yacht "Privacy." He relished it.

Of course, he also relished the spoils that came with his immense fame ... and that's where it became a problem. On Thanksgiving night, the superstar who controlled everything suddenly had something he couldn't control. The subsequent two weeks illustrated, in ugly detail, every problem with journalism right now. There are no lines anymore. There is no middleman or filter. Stories change constantly, sometimes four or five times per day, and the accuracy of those stories doesn't totally matter as long as there's a story in the first place. Yesterday, three different friends forwarded me a clip of a porn actress bragging for 90 seconds about an alleged tryst with Tiger six months ago. Not exactly the most credible source.

Did I watch the clip? Of course. I couldn't help it. The source of information no longer matters, just the information itself. We all do it. We all send the e-mails and texts, and we all read them.

Watch this, this is probably not true but still crazy.

Read this, might be a kernel of truth in here.

This would be so funny if it's actually true.

In the pre-teen double-zero aughts, these mega-stories are like Maximus in "Gladiator," covered in blood after a fresh kill and screaming at everyone sitting in the Colosseum, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is that not why you are here?" We don't want to be crammed into the Colosseum, but we can't help ourselves. We also never imagined that Tiger would be wearing the Maximus outfit, and maybe that's the bigger issue here.

See, we spent 12 years following a guy we didn't know at all. We had little to no connection to someone who was better at golf than we were at anything. We checked tournaments on Saturdays and Sundays thinking one thing: "How is Tiger doing?" We invested an inordinate amount of time supporting someone who made it clear that he didn't care about us unless we were buying one of the products he endorsed. He was fine with the arrangement, and so were we. We got to watch him play golf. He got the trophies, the trophy wife and the spoils. Everyone was happy.

And yet ... we wondered about him. Little stuff. Why couldn't he learn how to successfully high-five his caddie? How did he end up with a Swedish nanny? What did they have in common? What were his hobbies? How did he spend his time while recovering from knee surgery? Why did his temper keep bubbling to the surface this year? Who were his friends? Could he hold a conversation during dinner? What mattered to him? You wonder these things when someone you don't know -- someone you can't even get a feel for -- keeps popping in your life for big chunks of time. By shutting himself off and stripping himself of anything that could be perceived as interesting, Tiger inadvertently made himself interesting. He also opened the door for a feeding frenzy if anything ever went wrong.

Something went wrong. The feeding frenzy happened. And I was one of the feeders. I digested this story whole, every morsel -- true, untrue or half-true. I discussed it with my friends more than anything happening with my four Boston teams combined. I tossed out as many conspiracy theories as anyone. I found myself fascinated not by his alleged cheating, but by his arrogance that none of his misdeeds would ever surface ... because, after all, I am Tiger Woods. I couldn't believe how badly his "team" handled things these past two weeks. I got a kick out of talking heads and writers arrogantly dispensing life advice like Dr. Phil wannabes. I practically drowned in all the perspectives being fed to me from different people "in the know." Like this exchange from three days ago ...

Guy In The Know: "Tiger's biggest mistake was not having a cleaner."

Me: "A cleaner?"

Guy In The Know: "Yeah, someone who cleans up messes."

Me: "Like the Wolf in 'Pulp Fiction'?"

Guy In The Know: "Kind of. Like, he shouldn't have been the one making that call to Jaimee Grubbs. It should have been made for him."

It's right out of a movie. Literally. A cleaner. That's just one of the reasons why this story won't stop being interesting any time soon. It's the biggest sports story, but also the weirdest, and the one that makes me feel the worst about myself.

I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't gossiping about it like a 10th-grade girl. I wish I could say, "You know what? It's between his wife and him, we need to stay out of it." But there are just too many wrinkles to this baby. The biggest star of this decade ended up in the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Are you not entertained?

Sadly, I am. And so are you. Sounds like the perfect time to break open a special two-part mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Q: In 2059, do you think Discovery or the History Channel will celebrate the 50th anniversary of Tiger's car crash with Tiger Week? It could be all documentaries about his rise and fall, including a new special called "The Dawn Of Black Friday" that uses new-wave forms of CGI, satellite equipment and forensic evidence to figure out exactly what happened with the car crash. Which reminds me -- what do you think happened that night?
--Bill S., Los Angeles

SG: OK, I cheated and wrote that question myself. Couldn't help it. Everyone has their own theory about the night of Nov. 26 at Tiger's house, splintering us into various camps like a modern version of JFK's assassination. We will never know what happened. And that's what bothers us.

We can all agree on the following things ...

1. The combination of the National Enquirer's story about Hookup No. 1 (Rachel Uchitel, revealed on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving) and US Weekly's story about Tiger's voice mail to Hookup No. 2 (Grubbs, revealed eight days later, that asked her to change her message because his wife found her number in his cell phone) would indicate tension in Tiger's house. To say the least.

(Note: In my house, my car "accident" would have happened the same night as the Enquirer story. And also, I would've had to explain to police why I tried to jam my BlackBerry down my throat.)

2. It's impossible to crash your own car leaving your own driveway that you've left a million times unless (a) you were drunk or zonked out on painkillers, (b) you were asleep in the car and sleep-drove it (like a form of sleepwalking), (c) you were fleeing for your life as your furious wife clubbed the back of a car with a golf club, or (d) you have no hand-eye coordination at all. We can rule out only (d).

3. Tiger's wife broke the rear windows on his Cadillac Escalade with a golf club. We don't know if this happened before or after the crash, and we don't know why she was holding a golf club in the first place, or even if she was screaming, "YOU DESERVED IT YOU [EXPLETIVE]!" while triumphantly waving the 9-iron, but she definitely did break the windows. Tiger even admitted this and she told the police she did it to pull him from the vehicle. Although he called her "courageous" within that admission. Which seems like a stretch. The neighbors were much more courageous. If my next-door neighbor crashed into a tree, and I looked out my window and noticed his wife standing over him and holding a golf club, I would double lock my doors and not leave my house.

(One wrinkle here that hasn't been mentioned enough: It makes sense that she didn't break the driver's window or passenger's window to free him. She would have shattered glass all over him. By shattering the rear windows, she prevented any glass (or less glass) from hitting him. You know, assuming she did this after the crash, and not as he was driving away and she was chasing the car while swearing at him in Swedish.)

4. Neighbors found a shoeless Tiger lying next to his crashed vehicle, with his wife hovering over him ... and he was snoring. That's what they told police. TMZ (and other outlets) also reported that Tiger was in and out of consciousness for six minutes. That's a long time when you think about it.

(On the other hand, it's TMZ. With all due respect, TMZ isn't exactly operating under the same rules as Woodward and Bernstein in the mid-'70s.)

5. In Florida, if police suspect even a whiff of domestic violence, the law reads "the decision to arrest and charge shall not require the consent of the victim or consideration of the relationship of the parties." For three days following the crash, the Florida Highway Patrol tried to interview Tiger about the crash. Each time, he refused to allow them in the house.

(Note: That smacks of either "I'm Tiger Woods and I don't need to explain myself" or "I need to wait for these scratches on my face to heal before anyone sees me," with no in-between. So it's either incredibly arrogant or incredibly revealing. I am leaning toward arrogant. As always with these things, the cover-up ends up being more dangerous than the incident itself. Unless you killed your ex-wife and a waiter. Then it's a tie.)

6. The accident happened around 2:30 a.m. and didn't leak for more than 12 hours.

(Also incredible. How does this not leak right away? You can go to TMZ on any Friday or Saturday night and see live footage of Lindsay Lohan taking a leak in the plants in front of STK. This story took almost 13 hours to come out??? Really? We need an Orlando branch of TMZ apparently.)

7. Tiger's wife gave birth to a daughter (now 2 years old) and a son (10 months). You're reading the same guy who once premiered my buddy Sully's "Twelve Percent Theory" in this same space: that every childbirth makes a woman 12 percent less sane until the kids can fully function on their own. So if you have two kids, you're batting at about 76 percent sane.

Anyone married with two young children can back me up: You don't mess with your wife, in any way, shape or form, during the 12 months after that second kid is born. Her hormones have gone haywire. She isn't sleeping enough. She's dealing with the new baby, the suddenly wounded ego of the first kid who doesn't feel special anymore, and whether she can handle two kids at all. She's trying to lose the weight from Baby No. 2, only she doesn't have enough time to work out yet. So she hates herself and hates you for doing this to her.

You aren't walking on eggshells around your wife during this stretch; you're walking on razor blades. Every comment has to be carefully considered before being spoken. For instance, here's a typical exchange with a mother of two young kids who has a baby 10 months or younger:

Husband: "You look really nice today."
Wife: "Why today? Why did you have to say today?"
Husband: "I just meant--"
Wife: "So I don't look nice on any other day?"

That's the Twelve Percent Theory in action. Again, you can't anger your wife during this time under any circumstances.

There's a chance that Tiger just has a fleet of nannies who deal with his kids, nullifying the Twelve Percent Theory to some degree. I don't think this is true for a simple reason: Tiger's wife was a nanny. Former nannies are less prone to hire a fleet of nannies because they know firsthand how attached a baby can get to a nanny. I think his wife carried much of the load herself. That would also explain why Tiger's mother was reportedly there on Thanksgiving. Not just for the holidays, but to help out. Right?

(I know, I know. I am throwing crap against the wall and hoping it sticks. On the other hand, you found yourself nodding the whole time. I'd bet anything. So let's say that Mrs. Tiger is hands-on with the kids. Fine.)

Anyway, the mix of "facts we know" and "things we perceive from those facts" left a little wiggle room and led to four accepted explanations emerging after the accident. I am leaving out any far-fetched explanation along the lines of "Tiger was going out to buy crack" and "Tiger had been furious at that fire hydrant for months and it was only a matter of time before he went after it."

Camp No. 1: "The Argument Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Either Mrs. Tiger stews about the Enquirer story and whatever she found on his cell phone, only she can't react for two days because family is visiting ... OR, she reacts on that Tuesday, and then something else happens Thanksgiving night (maybe a holiday text from one of Tiger's harem that she sees) that causes her to flip out. Either way, she's ticked off. She sulks through dinner, then they put the kids down and it's just her and Tiger. She confronts him. He storms off and texts someone as he's driving, forgets to look up and crashes the car ... OR, he's driving away, she runs out after him, he gets distracted and crashes the Escalade. She sees/hears the crash, runs down to make sure he's OK, can't open the door, runs back to the house, grabs a 9-iron, runs back down the driveway, breaks the windows and pulls him out. You know the rest.

The issues: Tiger's mother was in the house and would have heard them fighting had it escalated to that degree. Also, why would a mom with two kids be awake at 2:30 in the morning, much less arguing? Which leads us to ...

Camp No. 2: "The Feeding Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Dinner, bed. Everything is fine. Around 2:00, the baby starts crying. She brings him downstairs for milk. Tiger's cell phone is sitting on the table. Because he's an idiot and one of the five dumbest adulterers of all time, he still doesn't have password protection on it ... OR, he does have a password, only she hacked it. Either way, she sees a text she shouldn't see. (One other variable here: One of his bimbettes may have just called his house and hung up.) Either way, it leads to the same argument and same results.

The issues: Same as in Camp No. 1. Slightly more plausible to me though.

Camp No. 3: The "She Tried To Kick His Butt" Theory

The story: Everything unfolds as in Camp No. 1 or Camp No. 2, but much more heated -- and maybe even with some scratching -- and ends with her chasing him out of the house and breaking the windows (followed by him crashing). This was my initial reaction, and yours, and just about everyone's.

The issues: Too easy. It's like saying Oswald killed JFK. Ties everything together a little too easily and conveniently. And as I mentioned earlier, the benevolently broken rear windshield makes more sense than you'd think.

Camp No. 4: The Painkiller/Ambien Theory

The story: Two pieces to this puzzle remain unexplained. First, how could Tiger crash his car without the air bags deploying? And second, why was he snoring after the accident?

Consider how hard it would be to crash your car, do significant damage to the car AND knock yourself out without the air bags going off. You'd have to crash without ever touching the brakes. Which makes me think he was asleep when the accident happened. The snoring would certainly back this up.

Tell me if this scenario sounds plausible ...

Tiger and his wife go to bed. He takes Ambien to fall asleep. Maybe he took more than that. After all, the guy had major knee surgery and might still be popping painkillers for all we know. (An admittedly reckless Daily Beast story speculated on this very topic.) The baby wakes up, leading to "The Feeding Goes Wrong" theory and Tiger's 76 percent sane wife going bonkers on him. She kicks him out of the house ... OR, he storms out. He gets into his car, but again, he's half-asleep and zoned out on Ambien. While debating where to drive, he falls back asleep, then in some sort of sleepwalking-type moment, starts the car and starts driving it ... OR, simply knocks it out of gear so it starts rolling. That would explain how the car crashed without going that fast, as well as his injuries (he would have hit his head), the snoring afterward, then his wife's reaction.

I vote for Camp No. 4. Then again, I'm the same person who believes that Oswald was firing at JFK while, at the exact same time, someone else Oswald didn't know (working for the CIA or the mafia) was also trying to shoot JFK from the grassy knoll. We will never know the truth. Ever. Just one of the things that make it the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Why Does The World Hate Tim Tebow?

Read the headline of this article, and you will inevitably chuckle to yourself, and say something to the effect of, "Because he's a douche bag."  Well, I've had this said about me plenty of times, and I'm not a douche (debatable, I guess), so why is it so true about Tim Tebow?


As I watched then #2 Alabama take down then #1 Florida and saw Tim Tebow weeping earnestly on the sidelines, I immediately began receiving a barrage of texts from happy onlookers.  My dad, both brothers, even my sweet mother, numerous college friends and even people I don't know that well but that know that I hate Florida.  I should explain to those that don't know me that I am a Miami grad, and my brother went to Florida State, so I guess a certain level of hate for the Gators is allowable in my case.  But we're not focused on UF, although I do have a special hate in my soul for Urban Meyer, but that's for the article I will write when he bails on UF for Notre Dame.


But its not that everyone hates Florida, it's that everyone hates Tebow specifically.  I cannot remember a college football player that has garnered so much hate from so many people of different shapes, colors, sizes, and fan bases.  Somehow, this home-schooled, hard core Christian kid from Jacksonville became the whipping boy for college football fans and even casual sports fans around the country (Newman and me included).


But let's take a look at the kid.

Timothy Richard Tebow was born August 14, 1987 in the Philippines.  His parents are Bob and Pam Tebow, who were both missionaries.  Timmy nearly didn't make it out of the womb, as potential complications from an infection nearly caused Pam Tebow to lose the pregnancy.  Against medical advice, Pam  had the baby, and Tim Tebow was born.


Because of the family's extensive mission work and Christian roots, the Tebows decided to home school their kids.  This did not stop Tim Tebow from playing for Nease High School in Jacksonville.  He proceeded to break nearly every record in the state of Florida for passing and running by a quarterback.  He also won a state title for Nease in Fall 2005.  His records were then broken in subsequent years by Miami recruits Robert Marve (Tampa Plant High '07, now with Purdue) and Jacory Harris (Miami-Northwestern High '08).  But Tebow was already on to the University of Florida.


There he split time with Chris Leak and won a national title his freshman year, being used most often as a running quarterback.  When Leak graduated, Tebow took the college football world by storm.  His sophomore year will be legendary for years to come.  More than 20 TDs passing, more than 20 rushing.  He won the Heisman, but his own success did not mean team success.  The Gators went 9-4 and lost to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl.


In the off season, Tebow circumcises a filipino child (timeline approximate....errr....guessed).


His Junior year was not as impressive, but Florida went 12-1 and won another title, beating Oklahoma.  Midway through the season, Florida lost to Ole Miss, and Tebow gave what is known as "the speech."  He apologized to Florida fans and media in attendence and swore that the Gators would play harder than any team in history for the rest of the season.  After the season, Tebow's image and words were put up on a plaque outside the stadium, immortalized at the Swamp forever.


In the off season, Tebow travels to prisons in central Florida trying to convert convicts.  Sports Illustrated chronicles his efforts.


This year, Tebow and the Gators were not as strong as years passed, but they managed to ravaged a terrible SEC East and pick up wins over SEC West teams like Mississippi State and LSU.  'Bama was a different animal, however, and the Tide destroyed UF 32-13.


Tebow will win neither a national title nor a Heisman this year (probably).


So, what spawned the hatred of the talented Christian kid similar to that of the beast?  You'd think Tebow's number was 666 instead of 15.


I think the problem that we all have with Tebow is not really a problem with Tim Tebow at all.  It is a problem with ourselves.  The same way women hate Pamela Anderson; the same way the Taliban hates Americans; thats the same way college football fans hate Tim Tebow.


Now what do I mean?  Are all of you, my imaginary readers, supposed to be jealous bitches or muslim fundamentalists?  Of course not.  But if you ever watched Bay Watch with a girl and watched her roll her eyes and say,"I don't get it.  This show sucks." then you might understand me.  If you've ever watched some grainy, interpreted video on CNN with some bearded dude declaring "Death to the Infidels." you might understand me.

Women hate Pam Anderson because of all that she represents.  In the mid '90s, it didn't matter what that girl did, men were all over her.  Her huge breasts, tiny waist, and 5'7", 107-pound frame were the fantasy of many a young and old man.  Women simply saw her as a big-breasted slut who had their boyfriends thinking of her instead of them.  They hated her because they knew that the sexual possibility represented by Pamela Anderson was more than they could ever muster.  No matter who the girl was and no matter what she did to herself, she was not touching the sexually iconic Pammy.  Even when Pam Anderson did things incomprehensible to most females, like deepthroat a 13-inch wang like Tommy Lee's, men still found this incredibly attractive, and women hated that men found this attractive.


They hated Pam Anderson for being wildly successful while doing all of the things that would get them isolated and kicked out of whatever circle of friends they had.  They hated Pam because they had no desire to be her but yet everything that they desired not to be (dumb, blond, slutty) was something that men somehow found overwhelmingly desirable.  The problem wasn't with Pamela Anderson, she was just making gobs of money and being worshipped by men everywhere (including Borat, retrospectively).  The problem was with the women who couldn't stand who she was and so decided she was worth hating.


Then you can take  a look at us, the lucky Americans who live in comfortable, air conditioned/heated homes and drink fresh water and have plenty of food while some poor schlubs live in caves, never cut their hair, and go hungry for entire months out of the year (Ramadan).  You're telling me that if we set a Taliban down in the middle of a huge loft apartment in New York City and gave him everything he wanted for 2 years that he wouldn't grow to enjoy it?  Maybe his religion would not allow this, and maybe the primordial guilt would rise up inside him and force him to leave the experiment before the two year term was complete.  But this still proves my point.


That point is that islamic fundamentalists don't hate our luxury and excess, they hate where they come from.  Al-Qaeda (and yes, I know that Al-Qaeda and the Taliban are two very separate entities) would love to have marble floors, track lighting, and a room that is always 70 degrees if their Lord so commanded.  They hate that we have them because of the inhuman capitalism that helped procure them.  If the Afghans could find some way to live in the lap of luxury and not concede their religious principles, I believe they would do it in a heartbeat.  But they can't.  And we live this way and we try to get them to live this way, and they can't stand it because they hate what our way of life symbolizes.  They cannot be like us because of the way they choose to live their lives, and so they cannot stand to coexist with us.


Pam Anderson?  The Taliban?  What does this have to do with Tim Tebow?  Well, as I said before, our hate for Timmy Tebow is not borne of his own doing.  The kid is lucky to be alive.  He has worked his ass off to be the best college football player in America collectively over the past four years (better players there have been, but none that stayed all four years).  He has worked as hard to win football games as to win the hearts and minds of convicts for Jesus Christ.


And we hate this.


If this kid existed in a cultural vacuum, he'd be a God.  A good looking, intelligent, religiously inclined, extremely athletically talented, determined kid would do well in an America that did not have so many self-confidence issues.  But Tebow may be the ideal that we all consciously or unconsciously rebelled against in high school.  He somehow has everything, and we keep waiting for that incredible wall of faith to crack.  We keep waiting for a DUI, or a hooker, or a sex tape, or a 2:30 AM, low speed car crash while on pain pills (well, Tiger IS only a couple of hours from Gainesville).  We keep waiting for Tebow to get knocked off of his high perch and down here with the rest of us sinners.  He's just too perfect. 


Like women hate Pam Anderson, we hate Tebow because he exemplifies something we cannot achieve.  Like islamic fundamentalists hate Americans, we hate Tebow because he is able to live his life in a way that we choose not to because it goes against what we are accustomed to (I'm speaking now, to Christians like myself who aspire to be good but make many poor decisions on a yearly basis to keep us from ascending to the level of, say, Tim Tebow).


When you take away the "speech," the Heisman, the national titles, the convict conversions, the circumcision, the virginity until marriage claim, the state titles, the state records, the national records, and the ceaseless excitement on the sidelines, America cheered and texted and high fived as a 22 year old kid cried his eyes out on the sideline.  In that moment, Tebow was no different than a little leaguer in mid August, and we cheered it on like we were all about to win the lottery.


It was (is) shameful.  And I hate Tim Tebow.  But maybe I just hate myself.


I hate Tim Tebow. I hated all the media hype. I hated the coverage. I hated "the speech". I hated the on field theatrics. I hated the "God Bless" after his interviews. I hated every one yard touchdown run. I hated every wobbly pass. I hated the the Bible verses and the black eye paint. I hated the winning, and the winning, and the winning.


But I don't really hate Tim Tebow. I sports hate him. Let the much more apt Bill Simmons explain the concept:

"If you're not familiar with the term, "sports hate" is an underrated part of fandom. Everyone has guys they don't like, and more importantly, guys they enjoy not liking. The reasons are unique to us. There doesn't have to be anything rational about it. Sports hate can be triggered by one incident, one slight, one game gone wrong, anything.

If you read my basketball book, you might remember me making roughly 500 jokes about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He was my least favorite athlete of all time. I loved rooting against him. Everything he did bothered me: every expression, his goggles, the way officials constantly bailed him out, even the monotony of his skyhook -- and his Lakers uniform made me sports-hate him even more. When he announced his battle with leukemia this week, you know what happened? I felt terrible for him and hoped he would recover soon. I may have disliked him as a player, but still, my life as a sports fan was always more interesting with Kareem in it. Again, there's a difference between real hate and sports hate.


As fans, fundamentally, we need to root against certain players. Need to be bugged by them. Need to have our least favorite guys fail in the clutch just so we can say, "See, I told you, he sucks when it matters!" Need to taunt our friends who root for their teams. Need to see the pouty look on their faces when things go wrong. Need to say things like, "He'll never get it, he's a loser" and "He's selfish and that's that." Need to be definitive about people we don't like. And why. And for as long as we can possibly keep it going."

I don't genuinely hate, or even dislike, Tebow. I don't think anyone really does. They factor in all the media coverage and everything I outlined at the beginning of my response and simplify it by singling out Tebow. In the end, it's easy and fun to sports hate the guy. He's not the first one to get this phenomena on a national stage or the worst ( see JJ Reddick ) or the last. All these people, myself included, who have bad mouthed the guy for four years would also gawk if they saw him in person, ask for an autograph, or want to take a picture. So I disagree with Mitch, while eloquently put and makes sense, when he writes that it is inherent flaws in us that make us hate Tim Tebow.

We sports hate him. And you can bet your ass we'd all have loved him, be buying his jerseys, kissing his feet, and wearing black eye paint if he played for our team.