Sports Virtures

The Ex-Pat Hombre checks back in with a quick plug.

Amidst the current political and financial turmoil that our country faces, Fritz Knapp gives us a reason to hope again. "The Book of Sports Virtues" tells the story of some of America's greatest sports heroes, who not only excelled on the field of play, but off of it as well. Check out www.sportvirtues.com for more insight into the lives of these great athletes, specifically Fritz's interview.

Long Overdue, An Opinion on Tiger

For as long as this Tiger Woods deal has been a story (since about Thanksgiving), I've wanted nothing more than to keep my hands off of it.  Newman wanted to write about it.  I did not.  We had the following conversation via Facebook messages earlier this week:


Newman: "We need to write something bout TWoods.  This is sad."
Mitch: "It really is, but I don't feel like it's my place."
Newman: "We're writers.  It's our job to give an opinion on it."
Newman: "Made-up job, but still."
Mitch: "Haha...fake job indeed.  Can my opinion be that it's none of my fucking business?
Newman: "But here is the "greatest athlete of our generation" and his life is in shambles...there has to be an opinion from a fan's point of view."
Mitch: "You write it.  I'll respond in some manner."


So you can see my opinion on this topic.  But Newman's response was to post an article that was already written by Bill Simmons.  That's a huge cop-out for both of us, and I'm quite certain it's also completely illegal, no matter how much attribution we give the Sports Guy.

But on Friday, Tiger Woods made the kind of Earth-shattering decision that I just feel I had to comment on.  What men and women do in their private lives is their own business.  I myself can't comprehend how you could cheat on a Swedish supermodel.  I'm thinking, "Dude!  She's a Swedish supermodel! You're married to quite possibly the hottest world stereotype.  You can have sex with her whenever you want.  And...it's not enough?"


Apparently not, but as I said, I'm not here to judge what a man does in his private life.


She was a Swedish nanny who also happened to have done some modeling. Supermodel? No. And not sure why this figures into all this. Men and women both cheat and I am sure those reasons are limited to or have much to do with looks. Show me the best looking girl you know and I'll show you the guy whose tired of f**king her. It's just a fact and anyone who has been in a relationship long enough can tell you. New is alluring. New is exciting. And it has nothing to do with anything other than being something different than what you're used to. The sad truth is Tiger has been a womanizer since before this marriage. That's who he is and who he has been and the media and fans haven't cared because he is so damn great at what he does and he also has kept a tight lid on his privacy.


My problem is with Tiger making the decision to take "an indefinite leave" from golf.


Follow me down the path of twisted truth and logic.


One of my cameramen and I were discussing this earlier this week before Tiger had made the announcement.  He said, "I think Tiger should just quit golf.  He should just take his billion dollars and go into investments.  Build himself a golf course on his own private island, watch his money grow, and just get away from all this."


I countered by saying that that is the exact wrong decision for Tiger.  Anyone who's ever had a long term relationship knows that when things fall apart as they inevitably do, you have two options: 1) sit and sulk 2) or get back to work and try to act like everything's fine.  Option 1 never works.  You sit around thinking about how much happier you used to be and wondering "Why me?"  You listen to songs like "Anything" by the Plain White Ts and "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits.  You marvel at the fact that every singer/songwriter seems to be speaking directly either to you or to the one who hurt you, completely ignoring the fact that how you feel is totally unoriginal and cliche (that's why all the songs are about you.  because they're not).


Pretty sure Tiger isn't taking this break to "sit and sulk". He is doing it because golf, his job, is not that important in the great scheme of things. Tiger needs to fix himself and what he can of his family and marriage. It would be disgusting for him to trot back on a golf course and start playing when you know things aren't right. His fortune affords him the opportunity to concentrate on what should be important to him, and by indefinitely taking a leave from the game we know he loves and know he dominants, he is taking a step in the right direction.


When you get back to work, on the other hand, you remember that you are a person independent of your former lover.  You keep your head down, ignore those feelings, and eventually they go away and don't come out until you shoot up your work place 5 years later (I will NEVER do this, in case the FBI is reading).  But seriously, getting back to work is the best way to put any sort of tragedy behind you psychologically.  That's the entire premise of the HBO documentary 9 Innings from 9/11.  The whole point is that after an incredible assault and initial shock, baseball got things back to normal for this country (well, sports in general) and unquestionably gave us something to rally around in order to move forward.


I don't think it is a very fair comparison to equate baseball returning after 9/11 to Tiger Woods returning to golf. Sports gave Americans hope and an ease of mind after a national tragedy. Tiger returning to golf would do what exactly? Why would this be a rallying point right now? Phil Mickelson took a break from golf to focus on his family when his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Right move. When things aren't right at home or in your personal life you need to take care of that first. Not play a game.It would be incredibly disingenuous for him to start playing even remotely soon.

By deciding to take an indefinite leave from golf, Tiger is taking option #1 (false) to sit around and sulk and concentrate on fixing that he has broken.  But again, anybody who has been through a big time breakup knows that hopes to completely reconcile never work.  "A crumpled up paper can't be perfect again," wrote Linkin Park, and they're right.  In Tiger's case, that "crumpled up paper" is actually crumpled up, then shredded, then shredded again, then covered in hydrochloric acid, then strapped to a pack of C-4 and detonated.  That paper will NEVER be perfect again.  His marriage is done and he's likely screwed up his kids lives as well as his own bank account (the former obviously being the more important, I'm just saying).  


For as long as Tiger kept his comments and actions private from the media, he had kept his head above the fray.  Maddening as it is for a media personality such as myself to say this, the best way to handle a crisis like this is to basically say nothing and assert that only you hold the facts and that the rest of the world is only speculating on something about which they know nothing.  If all the world is against you, you can still fall back on, "I have said everything I can say about this situation.  I would appreciate the media respecting my privacy as I try to repair the damage that has been done to my life."


As someone who studied public relations, this couldn't be a more stupid move. Tiger has handled this horribly. By avoiding the media and not showing your face you feed the frenzy. You feed the rumors and you give the impression, fair or not, of guilt. What is definitively "true" doesn't mean shit if the public believes otherwise. Pete Rose didn't admit to gambling for 20 years and has paid the price. Barry Bonds is still paying the price even though he has yet to be convicted of ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Alex Rodriguez came out after his name was released and admitted to using steroids (even though he didn't admit to extent of his alleged use) and look now? No one cared at the end of the year. Fans and human beings alike want to see contrite, they want to see someone sorry for their actions because we know deep down athletes are human. We are eager to forgive. By releasing impersonal statements on a website and walling himself off from the world, people have no idea of Tiger's sincerity. We need to see it. Not read it. 


But as soon as Tiger announced that he'd be taking an indefinite leave from the sport, he confirmed everything the media and tabloids had been saying for weeks. (Oh his messages and voicemails didn't confirm this? Actually the silence is what confirmed it.)  Without Tiger as a public presence to continue to deny or at least ask for privacy as he continues to win tournaments (Mitch you aren't getting privacy when you're playing public golf tournaments, making public appearances, and not commenting on an issue such as this at your press conferences), he's opened himself (his silence opened him up, his infidelity opened him up, the car crash opened him up...not this) up for the jackals at TMZ, US WEEKLY, People, and any other trash journalists to rip him apart like he used to do to the competition.  It's open season on Tiger. It's been open season since Thanksgiving night.

There is no truer statement in sports than "America loves a winner."  The key for Tiger is not to become "Eldrick Woods," his inanely human, cheating alter-ego.  The key is for him to focus MORE on golf than he ever has before.  The key is for him to hit 2,000 balls a day on the range, win every tournament, slip on a green jacket, win another U.S. Open,  kiss another Clarrett Jug, hoist another Wannamaker Trophy.  If people don't trust or like Tiger the man than what does this really do for him or us? America loves a winner, yes, but not at the point of the winner having had these sorts of transgressions without showing a public sign of remorse yet. Winning isn't a free pass out of this.


If Tiger wins more tournaments in 2010 than anyone ever has and also wins all four majors, are we still talking about some random trysts?   Do we care about Elin Nordegren?  No. (You are either grossly misunderstanding what exactly this situation is or dramatically stereotyping Americans as idiots) We go back to talking about Tiger being the most dominant golfer of his era and probably ever.  We go back to counting down how long it will be until he overtakes Jack Nicklaus.  Nothing puts Jesper Parnevik in his place like winning a Grand Slam of major tourneys while that dick is still in Q School. I'm just a little bit insulted by this write up so far. You seem to fail to understand that Tiger made poor decisions, morally wrong decisions, stupid decisions, and he is paying the price for that. Winning golf tournaments doesn't change this. And no matter what he ends up with now, he will never be remembered like Jack Nicklaus just as Bonds will never be remembered like Hank Aaron. Why is Jesper Parnevik a dick? And why's it matter if he is in Q school? He introduced the two and he has every right to have made the comments he has made. Most of which make complete sense no less. Tiger has proven to be a dick, it's evident on the golf course when he shows about as much class as a Tijuana street hooker, and now it's evident in his private life. 

For my part, I never actually believed that Tiger Woods was human.  He's a machine.  He's a Terminator sent from the future to destroy all professional golfers (except Y.E. Yang).  I've seen the man in person and asked him a question at a press conference, and that steely glare will give you chills.  You know what doesn't give me chills?  Looking at doctored photos of Elin with a 5-iron in her hands and Tiger's face all bruised and beat up.  If late February comes and that steely glare is back, and that Tiger walk returns, and he starts sticking 5 irons from 240 yards out and starts making eagles on par 5s, the Terminator returns, and we ignore his "transgressions" because they don't apply to golf. (Oh, just like when Barry kept hitting home runs and the media and fans stopped mentioning his name with regards to steroids? Or that Pete Rose still isn't in the Hall of Fame. Just like that? )


Do you realize that golf's core, purchasing-powered, audience is a bunch of old rich men who sit in men-only tap rooms and drink beer and scotch all Sunday afternoon to get away from their wives?  These are the men buying Nike drivers because they see Tiger hit it 315 with them.  These are the guys buying their kids golf merchandise and hoping to cultivate a prodigy of their own.  These are the guys that love to watch Tiger because he's unreal at what he does.  Forget the housewives that think Tiger is a piece of shit because he cheated on his wife. They don't buy sand wedges. 


Tiger Woods is a golfer, and he always has been.  The whole "family man" angle always annoyed the shit out of me, because I didn't care about Tiger's kids or his wife (insomuch as she wasn't naked).  I thought the thing with his Dad was cool, because my Dad taught me to play golf too, but then his Dad died.  The point is that Tiger is a golfer.


Elin is going to leave him, the kids will be with her.  Random skanks will still surround the dude with a billion in the bank (well, more like 1/2 a billion after Elin and the lawyers get done), but golf will always be there.


I submit that Tiger is not married to his wife (this much was clear the the staggering number of times he has cheated on her).  Tiger is married to golf.  That's the real marriage that's going to Hell right now (not sure how any time away from the game, he isn't retiring, is putting his game to Hell? He was off longer for physical reasons last year, its more understandable, and more important, to be out for mental ones).  And if that marriage collapses, Tiger ceases to be this immortal machine; he ceases to be Tiger.  He morphs into "Eldrick," and the only thing "Eldrick" is known for is cheating on his wife and getting beat up. So basically you want to be selfish and just stick with watching Tiger as some video game dominator instead of let the man improve himself as a person, as a human being, as Eldrick? 


Tiger needs to return to golf, the thing that he's been married to since he appeared on Johnny Carson at age three.  The more time he takes away, the lower he sinks into the chaos that all those years of practice and focus allowed him to ignore. 


I don't want to judge the man, because it's not my place.  But Tiger, pick up your sticks and hit the range. America loves a winner, and by the time your career is over, you'll be the biggest winner we've ever seen.  But that will only happen if you keep playing.  


Tiger needs to become a better person, and he can't do that on Tour right now. BEING on Tour would create the circus, not letting everything die down a bit. I am unselfish enough to say that I don't care how long Tiger takes off because its not about golf right now. Its not about winning or records or majors. Its about Tiger trying to reconcile with his family, with himself. It's about Tiger learning from this. If you really care about Tiger than who gives a fuck about golf?
Newman, we texted about this, so I jsut want to get my final point down online.  The disagreement between you and me is with judging his morality. I'm asserting that I make no judgement and no one has the right to do so.  That being the case, the quickest way to put it behind him is to win win win.  Tiger will never get back what he once had.  That perfect life is gone and will never return.  All he has now is golf success and whatever bartenders/waitresses or other groupies he can find.  Everything else is just blown to Hell.  If he keeps womanizing and winning golf tournaments, he'll just be Walter Hagen instead of Jack Nicklaus, but with more tournaments.  it'll be, "Greatest golfer ever, and oh by the way he cheated on his wife."  If he keeps playing, this unpleasantness is just a footnote in his story.  If he stops playing, it's a chapter in the book, and everything he does gets compared to "before the break" and after the break."

He needs to keep playing.

"Tiger Zoo"

The Dudes have been mum on the whole Tiger Woods thing. Frankly, we find the whole thing quite sad. Bill Simmons, however, posted a brilliant write up (that echoes most of our sentiments), as he often does, on ESPN's website today. The article is copied and pasted below.

With five weeks remaining in the aughts, pre-teens, double zeroes or whatever we end up calling the 2000s, the title for "Biggest Sports Story of the Decade" was up for grabs. Michael Vick? Tim Donaghy? The Mitchell report? The Artest Melee? Barry Bonds? Pat Tillman? Eagle, Colorado? Roger Clemens? Andre Agassi's admission that he won Wimbledon with a weave? You could have made a case for any of them.

And then ... Tiger happened.

 

Game over.

I'm calling it the "Tiger Zoo" instead of "TigerGate," only because we have to break the habit of slapping "gate" after everything. But the Tiger Zoo nailed every gotta-have-it component for a big-time story with legs. First, it involved one of the most famous living athletes. Second, it started definitively with a specific incident -- and not just any incident, but something that made us say, "Wait, this seems fishy, I wonder what really happened here ..." and quickly became more complex than we imagined. Third, it built steam over the next week, crossed into the mainstream and dominated conversations, e-mails and tweets. Fourth, it transformed our collective perception of a famous person and made us re-evaluate every opinion we had about him. Fifth, it grew so enormous so quickly that everyone with a forum (radio show, column, blog, whatever) felt obligated to come up with an angle on it.

Sixth, it doesn't show any signs of slowing down; if anything, it's gaining steam like a hurricane plowing toward Florida. Seventh, it involves three of the gotta-have-it basics in any gigantic story: sex, (possible) violence, and a (possible) cover-up. Eighth, there's an unanswerable question looming over everything: Even if Tiger did cheat on his wife, should it matter to anyone other than them? (My answer: It shouldn't. But that's the rub of being a public figure. If you don't want to be a public figure, don't do commercials, don't cover yourself in Nike logos and don't sell a video game with your name on it.) And ninth, it's a conspiracy-friendly saga that lends itself to all kinds of inventive angles, an absolute must for any story to maintain dominance.

That last point cemented the Tiger Zoo as an iconic story. Maybe Michael Vick's fall from grace was mildly incredible on paper, but there were no real layers to it. The facts came out, Vick's reputation was tarnished, he paid a price, and that was that. People across America weren't having arguments at cocktail parties about Vick, nor were they spending dinners breaking down facts and spouting opinions like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay debating the NFL draft.

But Tiger? Put it this way ...

You will attend a holiday party this weekend. You will start talking about Tiger with one or two other people. A few others will drift over saying, "Are you talking about Tiger?" Within a few minutes, the circle will be eight-deep. Conspiracy theories will be flying as Elvis' "Blue Christmas" plays in the background. Somebody's girlfriend or wife will say, "If that ever happened with [my man], I'd go after him with a golf club." Everyone will laugh. Eventually, you will start talking about Obama or the Saints or something. And then an hour later? The same conversation will happen in another part of the room.

In a way, that's been the most unfathomable part of this story. Tiger Woods dominating the conversation at a holiday party??? For years, nobody had an interesting take on him other than, "Wow, that guy's great." I even wrote an entire column in 2002 titled, "Tiger: What Can You Say?" He designed it that way, avoiding the media other than generic news conferences and cream-puff interviews designed to promote himself or a product. (Like this "10 minutes with Tiger" piece I wrote in 2006.) We knew little about his personal life beyond "married a Swedish nanny, lives in Orlando, has two kids." Not since DiMaggio had an athlete managed to stay this famous and this private at the same time. Hell, he named his yacht "Privacy." He relished it.

Of course, he also relished the spoils that came with his immense fame ... and that's where it became a problem. On Thanksgiving night, the superstar who controlled everything suddenly had something he couldn't control. The subsequent two weeks illustrated, in ugly detail, every problem with journalism right now. There are no lines anymore. There is no middleman or filter. Stories change constantly, sometimes four or five times per day, and the accuracy of those stories doesn't totally matter as long as there's a story in the first place. Yesterday, three different friends forwarded me a clip of a porn actress bragging for 90 seconds about an alleged tryst with Tiger six months ago. Not exactly the most credible source.

Did I watch the clip? Of course. I couldn't help it. The source of information no longer matters, just the information itself. We all do it. We all send the e-mails and texts, and we all read them.

Watch this, this is probably not true but still crazy.

Read this, might be a kernel of truth in here.

This would be so funny if it's actually true.

In the pre-teen double-zero aughts, these mega-stories are like Maximus in "Gladiator," covered in blood after a fresh kill and screaming at everyone sitting in the Colosseum, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is that not why you are here?" We don't want to be crammed into the Colosseum, but we can't help ourselves. We also never imagined that Tiger would be wearing the Maximus outfit, and maybe that's the bigger issue here.

See, we spent 12 years following a guy we didn't know at all. We had little to no connection to someone who was better at golf than we were at anything. We checked tournaments on Saturdays and Sundays thinking one thing: "How is Tiger doing?" We invested an inordinate amount of time supporting someone who made it clear that he didn't care about us unless we were buying one of the products he endorsed. He was fine with the arrangement, and so were we. We got to watch him play golf. He got the trophies, the trophy wife and the spoils. Everyone was happy.

And yet ... we wondered about him. Little stuff. Why couldn't he learn how to successfully high-five his caddie? How did he end up with a Swedish nanny? What did they have in common? What were his hobbies? How did he spend his time while recovering from knee surgery? Why did his temper keep bubbling to the surface this year? Who were his friends? Could he hold a conversation during dinner? What mattered to him? You wonder these things when someone you don't know -- someone you can't even get a feel for -- keeps popping in your life for big chunks of time. By shutting himself off and stripping himself of anything that could be perceived as interesting, Tiger inadvertently made himself interesting. He also opened the door for a feeding frenzy if anything ever went wrong.

Something went wrong. The feeding frenzy happened. And I was one of the feeders. I digested this story whole, every morsel -- true, untrue or half-true. I discussed it with my friends more than anything happening with my four Boston teams combined. I tossed out as many conspiracy theories as anyone. I found myself fascinated not by his alleged cheating, but by his arrogance that none of his misdeeds would ever surface ... because, after all, I am Tiger Woods. I couldn't believe how badly his "team" handled things these past two weeks. I got a kick out of talking heads and writers arrogantly dispensing life advice like Dr. Phil wannabes. I practically drowned in all the perspectives being fed to me from different people "in the know." Like this exchange from three days ago ...

Guy In The Know: "Tiger's biggest mistake was not having a cleaner."

Me: "A cleaner?"

Guy In The Know: "Yeah, someone who cleans up messes."

Me: "Like the Wolf in 'Pulp Fiction'?"

Guy In The Know: "Kind of. Like, he shouldn't have been the one making that call to Jaimee Grubbs. It should have been made for him."

It's right out of a movie. Literally. A cleaner. That's just one of the reasons why this story won't stop being interesting any time soon. It's the biggest sports story, but also the weirdest, and the one that makes me feel the worst about myself.

I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't gossiping about it like a 10th-grade girl. I wish I could say, "You know what? It's between his wife and him, we need to stay out of it." But there are just too many wrinkles to this baby. The biggest star of this decade ended up in the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Are you not entertained?

Sadly, I am. And so are you. Sounds like the perfect time to break open a special two-part mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Q: In 2059, do you think Discovery or the History Channel will celebrate the 50th anniversary of Tiger's car crash with Tiger Week? It could be all documentaries about his rise and fall, including a new special called "The Dawn Of Black Friday" that uses new-wave forms of CGI, satellite equipment and forensic evidence to figure out exactly what happened with the car crash. Which reminds me -- what do you think happened that night?
--Bill S., Los Angeles

SG: OK, I cheated and wrote that question myself. Couldn't help it. Everyone has their own theory about the night of Nov. 26 at Tiger's house, splintering us into various camps like a modern version of JFK's assassination. We will never know what happened. And that's what bothers us.

We can all agree on the following things ...

1. The combination of the National Enquirer's story about Hookup No. 1 (Rachel Uchitel, revealed on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving) and US Weekly's story about Tiger's voice mail to Hookup No. 2 (Grubbs, revealed eight days later, that asked her to change her message because his wife found her number in his cell phone) would indicate tension in Tiger's house. To say the least.

(Note: In my house, my car "accident" would have happened the same night as the Enquirer story. And also, I would've had to explain to police why I tried to jam my BlackBerry down my throat.)

2. It's impossible to crash your own car leaving your own driveway that you've left a million times unless (a) you were drunk or zonked out on painkillers, (b) you were asleep in the car and sleep-drove it (like a form of sleepwalking), (c) you were fleeing for your life as your furious wife clubbed the back of a car with a golf club, or (d) you have no hand-eye coordination at all. We can rule out only (d).

3. Tiger's wife broke the rear windows on his Cadillac Escalade with a golf club. We don't know if this happened before or after the crash, and we don't know why she was holding a golf club in the first place, or even if she was screaming, "YOU DESERVED IT YOU [EXPLETIVE]!" while triumphantly waving the 9-iron, but she definitely did break the windows. Tiger even admitted this and she told the police she did it to pull him from the vehicle. Although he called her "courageous" within that admission. Which seems like a stretch. The neighbors were much more courageous. If my next-door neighbor crashed into a tree, and I looked out my window and noticed his wife standing over him and holding a golf club, I would double lock my doors and not leave my house.

(One wrinkle here that hasn't been mentioned enough: It makes sense that she didn't break the driver's window or passenger's window to free him. She would have shattered glass all over him. By shattering the rear windows, she prevented any glass (or less glass) from hitting him. You know, assuming she did this after the crash, and not as he was driving away and she was chasing the car while swearing at him in Swedish.)

4. Neighbors found a shoeless Tiger lying next to his crashed vehicle, with his wife hovering over him ... and he was snoring. That's what they told police. TMZ (and other outlets) also reported that Tiger was in and out of consciousness for six minutes. That's a long time when you think about it.

(On the other hand, it's TMZ. With all due respect, TMZ isn't exactly operating under the same rules as Woodward and Bernstein in the mid-'70s.)

5. In Florida, if police suspect even a whiff of domestic violence, the law reads "the decision to arrest and charge shall not require the consent of the victim or consideration of the relationship of the parties." For three days following the crash, the Florida Highway Patrol tried to interview Tiger about the crash. Each time, he refused to allow them in the house.

(Note: That smacks of either "I'm Tiger Woods and I don't need to explain myself" or "I need to wait for these scratches on my face to heal before anyone sees me," with no in-between. So it's either incredibly arrogant or incredibly revealing. I am leaning toward arrogant. As always with these things, the cover-up ends up being more dangerous than the incident itself. Unless you killed your ex-wife and a waiter. Then it's a tie.)

6. The accident happened around 2:30 a.m. and didn't leak for more than 12 hours.

(Also incredible. How does this not leak right away? You can go to TMZ on any Friday or Saturday night and see live footage of Lindsay Lohan taking a leak in the plants in front of STK. This story took almost 13 hours to come out??? Really? We need an Orlando branch of TMZ apparently.)

7. Tiger's wife gave birth to a daughter (now 2 years old) and a son (10 months). You're reading the same guy who once premiered my buddy Sully's "Twelve Percent Theory" in this same space: that every childbirth makes a woman 12 percent less sane until the kids can fully function on their own. So if you have two kids, you're batting at about 76 percent sane.

Anyone married with two young children can back me up: You don't mess with your wife, in any way, shape or form, during the 12 months after that second kid is born. Her hormones have gone haywire. She isn't sleeping enough. She's dealing with the new baby, the suddenly wounded ego of the first kid who doesn't feel special anymore, and whether she can handle two kids at all. She's trying to lose the weight from Baby No. 2, only she doesn't have enough time to work out yet. So she hates herself and hates you for doing this to her.

You aren't walking on eggshells around your wife during this stretch; you're walking on razor blades. Every comment has to be carefully considered before being spoken. For instance, here's a typical exchange with a mother of two young kids who has a baby 10 months or younger:

Husband: "You look really nice today."
Wife: "Why today? Why did you have to say today?"
Husband: "I just meant--"
Wife: "So I don't look nice on any other day?"

That's the Twelve Percent Theory in action. Again, you can't anger your wife during this time under any circumstances.

There's a chance that Tiger just has a fleet of nannies who deal with his kids, nullifying the Twelve Percent Theory to some degree. I don't think this is true for a simple reason: Tiger's wife was a nanny. Former nannies are less prone to hire a fleet of nannies because they know firsthand how attached a baby can get to a nanny. I think his wife carried much of the load herself. That would also explain why Tiger's mother was reportedly there on Thanksgiving. Not just for the holidays, but to help out. Right?

(I know, I know. I am throwing crap against the wall and hoping it sticks. On the other hand, you found yourself nodding the whole time. I'd bet anything. So let's say that Mrs. Tiger is hands-on with the kids. Fine.)

Anyway, the mix of "facts we know" and "things we perceive from those facts" left a little wiggle room and led to four accepted explanations emerging after the accident. I am leaving out any far-fetched explanation along the lines of "Tiger was going out to buy crack" and "Tiger had been furious at that fire hydrant for months and it was only a matter of time before he went after it."

Camp No. 1: "The Argument Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Either Mrs. Tiger stews about the Enquirer story and whatever she found on his cell phone, only she can't react for two days because family is visiting ... OR, she reacts on that Tuesday, and then something else happens Thanksgiving night (maybe a holiday text from one of Tiger's harem that she sees) that causes her to flip out. Either way, she's ticked off. She sulks through dinner, then they put the kids down and it's just her and Tiger. She confronts him. He storms off and texts someone as he's driving, forgets to look up and crashes the car ... OR, he's driving away, she runs out after him, he gets distracted and crashes the Escalade. She sees/hears the crash, runs down to make sure he's OK, can't open the door, runs back to the house, grabs a 9-iron, runs back down the driveway, breaks the windows and pulls him out. You know the rest.

The issues: Tiger's mother was in the house and would have heard them fighting had it escalated to that degree. Also, why would a mom with two kids be awake at 2:30 in the morning, much less arguing? Which leads us to ...

Camp No. 2: "The Feeding Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Dinner, bed. Everything is fine. Around 2:00, the baby starts crying. She brings him downstairs for milk. Tiger's cell phone is sitting on the table. Because he's an idiot and one of the five dumbest adulterers of all time, he still doesn't have password protection on it ... OR, he does have a password, only she hacked it. Either way, she sees a text she shouldn't see. (One other variable here: One of his bimbettes may have just called his house and hung up.) Either way, it leads to the same argument and same results.

The issues: Same as in Camp No. 1. Slightly more plausible to me though.

Camp No. 3: The "She Tried To Kick His Butt" Theory

The story: Everything unfolds as in Camp No. 1 or Camp No. 2, but much more heated -- and maybe even with some scratching -- and ends with her chasing him out of the house and breaking the windows (followed by him crashing). This was my initial reaction, and yours, and just about everyone's.

The issues: Too easy. It's like saying Oswald killed JFK. Ties everything together a little too easily and conveniently. And as I mentioned earlier, the benevolently broken rear windshield makes more sense than you'd think.

Camp No. 4: The Painkiller/Ambien Theory

The story: Two pieces to this puzzle remain unexplained. First, how could Tiger crash his car without the air bags deploying? And second, why was he snoring after the accident?

Consider how hard it would be to crash your car, do significant damage to the car AND knock yourself out without the air bags going off. You'd have to crash without ever touching the brakes. Which makes me think he was asleep when the accident happened. The snoring would certainly back this up.

Tell me if this scenario sounds plausible ...

Tiger and his wife go to bed. He takes Ambien to fall asleep. Maybe he took more than that. After all, the guy had major knee surgery and might still be popping painkillers for all we know. (An admittedly reckless Daily Beast story speculated on this very topic.) The baby wakes up, leading to "The Feeding Goes Wrong" theory and Tiger's 76 percent sane wife going bonkers on him. She kicks him out of the house ... OR, he storms out. He gets into his car, but again, he's half-asleep and zoned out on Ambien. While debating where to drive, he falls back asleep, then in some sort of sleepwalking-type moment, starts the car and starts driving it ... OR, simply knocks it out of gear so it starts rolling. That would explain how the car crashed without going that fast, as well as his injuries (he would have hit his head), the snoring afterward, then his wife's reaction.

I vote for Camp No. 4. Then again, I'm the same person who believes that Oswald was firing at JFK while, at the exact same time, someone else Oswald didn't know (working for the CIA or the mafia) was also trying to shoot JFK from the grassy knoll. We will never know the truth. Ever. Just one of the things that make it the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Why Does The World Hate Tim Tebow?

Read the headline of this article, and you will inevitably chuckle to yourself, and say something to the effect of, "Because he's a douche bag."  Well, I've had this said about me plenty of times, and I'm not a douche (debatable, I guess), so why is it so true about Tim Tebow?


As I watched then #2 Alabama take down then #1 Florida and saw Tim Tebow weeping earnestly on the sidelines, I immediately began receiving a barrage of texts from happy onlookers.  My dad, both brothers, even my sweet mother, numerous college friends and even people I don't know that well but that know that I hate Florida.  I should explain to those that don't know me that I am a Miami grad, and my brother went to Florida State, so I guess a certain level of hate for the Gators is allowable in my case.  But we're not focused on UF, although I do have a special hate in my soul for Urban Meyer, but that's for the article I will write when he bails on UF for Notre Dame.


But its not that everyone hates Florida, it's that everyone hates Tebow specifically.  I cannot remember a college football player that has garnered so much hate from so many people of different shapes, colors, sizes, and fan bases.  Somehow, this home-schooled, hard core Christian kid from Jacksonville became the whipping boy for college football fans and even casual sports fans around the country (Newman and me included).


But let's take a look at the kid.

Timothy Richard Tebow was born August 14, 1987 in the Philippines.  His parents are Bob and Pam Tebow, who were both missionaries.  Timmy nearly didn't make it out of the womb, as potential complications from an infection nearly caused Pam Tebow to lose the pregnancy.  Against medical advice, Pam  had the baby, and Tim Tebow was born.


Because of the family's extensive mission work and Christian roots, the Tebows decided to home school their kids.  This did not stop Tim Tebow from playing for Nease High School in Jacksonville.  He proceeded to break nearly every record in the state of Florida for passing and running by a quarterback.  He also won a state title for Nease in Fall 2005.  His records were then broken in subsequent years by Miami recruits Robert Marve (Tampa Plant High '07, now with Purdue) and Jacory Harris (Miami-Northwestern High '08).  But Tebow was already on to the University of Florida.


There he split time with Chris Leak and won a national title his freshman year, being used most often as a running quarterback.  When Leak graduated, Tebow took the college football world by storm.  His sophomore year will be legendary for years to come.  More than 20 TDs passing, more than 20 rushing.  He won the Heisman, but his own success did not mean team success.  The Gators went 9-4 and lost to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl.


In the off season, Tebow circumcises a filipino child (timeline approximate....errr....guessed).


His Junior year was not as impressive, but Florida went 12-1 and won another title, beating Oklahoma.  Midway through the season, Florida lost to Ole Miss, and Tebow gave what is known as "the speech."  He apologized to Florida fans and media in attendence and swore that the Gators would play harder than any team in history for the rest of the season.  After the season, Tebow's image and words were put up on a plaque outside the stadium, immortalized at the Swamp forever.


In the off season, Tebow travels to prisons in central Florida trying to convert convicts.  Sports Illustrated chronicles his efforts.


This year, Tebow and the Gators were not as strong as years passed, but they managed to ravaged a terrible SEC East and pick up wins over SEC West teams like Mississippi State and LSU.  'Bama was a different animal, however, and the Tide destroyed UF 32-13.


Tebow will win neither a national title nor a Heisman this year (probably).


So, what spawned the hatred of the talented Christian kid similar to that of the beast?  You'd think Tebow's number was 666 instead of 15.


I think the problem that we all have with Tebow is not really a problem with Tim Tebow at all.  It is a problem with ourselves.  The same way women hate Pamela Anderson; the same way the Taliban hates Americans; thats the same way college football fans hate Tim Tebow.


Now what do I mean?  Are all of you, my imaginary readers, supposed to be jealous bitches or muslim fundamentalists?  Of course not.  But if you ever watched Bay Watch with a girl and watched her roll her eyes and say,"I don't get it.  This show sucks." then you might understand me.  If you've ever watched some grainy, interpreted video on CNN with some bearded dude declaring "Death to the Infidels." you might understand me.

Women hate Pam Anderson because of all that she represents.  In the mid '90s, it didn't matter what that girl did, men were all over her.  Her huge breasts, tiny waist, and 5'7", 107-pound frame were the fantasy of many a young and old man.  Women simply saw her as a big-breasted slut who had their boyfriends thinking of her instead of them.  They hated her because they knew that the sexual possibility represented by Pamela Anderson was more than they could ever muster.  No matter who the girl was and no matter what she did to herself, she was not touching the sexually iconic Pammy.  Even when Pam Anderson did things incomprehensible to most females, like deepthroat a 13-inch wang like Tommy Lee's, men still found this incredibly attractive, and women hated that men found this attractive.


They hated Pam Anderson for being wildly successful while doing all of the things that would get them isolated and kicked out of whatever circle of friends they had.  They hated Pam because they had no desire to be her but yet everything that they desired not to be (dumb, blond, slutty) was something that men somehow found overwhelmingly desirable.  The problem wasn't with Pamela Anderson, she was just making gobs of money and being worshipped by men everywhere (including Borat, retrospectively).  The problem was with the women who couldn't stand who she was and so decided she was worth hating.


Then you can take  a look at us, the lucky Americans who live in comfortable, air conditioned/heated homes and drink fresh water and have plenty of food while some poor schlubs live in caves, never cut their hair, and go hungry for entire months out of the year (Ramadan).  You're telling me that if we set a Taliban down in the middle of a huge loft apartment in New York City and gave him everything he wanted for 2 years that he wouldn't grow to enjoy it?  Maybe his religion would not allow this, and maybe the primordial guilt would rise up inside him and force him to leave the experiment before the two year term was complete.  But this still proves my point.


That point is that islamic fundamentalists don't hate our luxury and excess, they hate where they come from.  Al-Qaeda (and yes, I know that Al-Qaeda and the Taliban are two very separate entities) would love to have marble floors, track lighting, and a room that is always 70 degrees if their Lord so commanded.  They hate that we have them because of the inhuman capitalism that helped procure them.  If the Afghans could find some way to live in the lap of luxury and not concede their religious principles, I believe they would do it in a heartbeat.  But they can't.  And we live this way and we try to get them to live this way, and they can't stand it because they hate what our way of life symbolizes.  They cannot be like us because of the way they choose to live their lives, and so they cannot stand to coexist with us.


Pam Anderson?  The Taliban?  What does this have to do with Tim Tebow?  Well, as I said before, our hate for Timmy Tebow is not borne of his own doing.  The kid is lucky to be alive.  He has worked his ass off to be the best college football player in America collectively over the past four years (better players there have been, but none that stayed all four years).  He has worked as hard to win football games as to win the hearts and minds of convicts for Jesus Christ.


And we hate this.


If this kid existed in a cultural vacuum, he'd be a God.  A good looking, intelligent, religiously inclined, extremely athletically talented, determined kid would do well in an America that did not have so many self-confidence issues.  But Tebow may be the ideal that we all consciously or unconsciously rebelled against in high school.  He somehow has everything, and we keep waiting for that incredible wall of faith to crack.  We keep waiting for a DUI, or a hooker, or a sex tape, or a 2:30 AM, low speed car crash while on pain pills (well, Tiger IS only a couple of hours from Gainesville).  We keep waiting for Tebow to get knocked off of his high perch and down here with the rest of us sinners.  He's just too perfect. 


Like women hate Pam Anderson, we hate Tebow because he exemplifies something we cannot achieve.  Like islamic fundamentalists hate Americans, we hate Tebow because he is able to live his life in a way that we choose not to because it goes against what we are accustomed to (I'm speaking now, to Christians like myself who aspire to be good but make many poor decisions on a yearly basis to keep us from ascending to the level of, say, Tim Tebow).


When you take away the "speech," the Heisman, the national titles, the convict conversions, the circumcision, the virginity until marriage claim, the state titles, the state records, the national records, and the ceaseless excitement on the sidelines, America cheered and texted and high fived as a 22 year old kid cried his eyes out on the sideline.  In that moment, Tebow was no different than a little leaguer in mid August, and we cheered it on like we were all about to win the lottery.


It was (is) shameful.  And I hate Tim Tebow.  But maybe I just hate myself.


I hate Tim Tebow. I hated all the media hype. I hated the coverage. I hated "the speech". I hated the on field theatrics. I hated the "God Bless" after his interviews. I hated every one yard touchdown run. I hated every wobbly pass. I hated the the Bible verses and the black eye paint. I hated the winning, and the winning, and the winning.


But I don't really hate Tim Tebow. I sports hate him. Let the much more apt Bill Simmons explain the concept:

"If you're not familiar with the term, "sports hate" is an underrated part of fandom. Everyone has guys they don't like, and more importantly, guys they enjoy not liking. The reasons are unique to us. There doesn't have to be anything rational about it. Sports hate can be triggered by one incident, one slight, one game gone wrong, anything.

If you read my basketball book, you might remember me making roughly 500 jokes about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He was my least favorite athlete of all time. I loved rooting against him. Everything he did bothered me: every expression, his goggles, the way officials constantly bailed him out, even the monotony of his skyhook -- and his Lakers uniform made me sports-hate him even more. When he announced his battle with leukemia this week, you know what happened? I felt terrible for him and hoped he would recover soon. I may have disliked him as a player, but still, my life as a sports fan was always more interesting with Kareem in it. Again, there's a difference between real hate and sports hate.


As fans, fundamentally, we need to root against certain players. Need to be bugged by them. Need to have our least favorite guys fail in the clutch just so we can say, "See, I told you, he sucks when it matters!" Need to taunt our friends who root for their teams. Need to see the pouty look on their faces when things go wrong. Need to say things like, "He'll never get it, he's a loser" and "He's selfish and that's that." Need to be definitive about people we don't like. And why. And for as long as we can possibly keep it going."

I don't genuinely hate, or even dislike, Tebow. I don't think anyone really does. They factor in all the media coverage and everything I outlined at the beginning of my response and simplify it by singling out Tebow. In the end, it's easy and fun to sports hate the guy. He's not the first one to get this phenomena on a national stage or the worst ( see JJ Reddick ) or the last. All these people, myself included, who have bad mouthed the guy for four years would also gawk if they saw him in person, ask for an autograph, or want to take a picture. So I disagree with Mitch, while eloquently put and makes sense, when he writes that it is inherent flaws in us that make us hate Tim Tebow.

We sports hate him. And you can bet your ass we'd all have loved him, be buying his jerseys, kissing his feet, and wearing black eye paint if he played for our team. 

Luck of the Draw (Part 2)

Please keep in mind that I was in Austin this weekend and had no access to a computer. I had to e-mail Newman part one and have him post it on Friday.  I did the same thing with Part 2, but Newman never quite got around to posting it.  So when I say "yesterday," I am referring to Friday.


Yesterday I told you who I expect to move on from the group stages of World Cup 2010.  Today, I'll extrapolate those findings and pick a winner.  Why pick a World Cup winner when the tournament is seven months away and we don't even know who will make it into the knockout stage?  Why the hell not?

France vs. Greece

Again, the Greeks play this stodgy, nearly unwatchable brand of soccer, but the French National Handball team is just way better and more athletic. Les Bleu should me through.

England vs. Ghana

I misremembered yesterday when I said that Ghana is the best African team this year, as Newman pointed out. The Ivory Coast is clearly the best team. However, what I was misremembering was that Ghana was the best African nation in Germany in 2006. The Black Stars were the only African nation to qualify for the Round of 16. They eventually fell to Brazil 3-0. I don't see much else happening differently in 2010. England will advance over Ghana.

USA vs. Germany

So much anger here on my part. I remember 2002 in South Korea.  My friends Mase and Ozzy and I woke
USA vs. Germany in the quarterdinals. That American team had somehow upset Portugal in the group stage, then tied host South Korea to move on to the quarterdinals. They took down archrival Mexico 2-0 in the Round of 16 to meet Germany in the quarterfinals. I already hated the Germans because of their goalie Oliver Khan and something else...hmmmm...oh yeah, World Wars I and II. Anyway, Michael Ballack scored for the Germans and all seemed lost until the Americans bounced a slow header toward an open goal mouth late in the game. The game should have been ties 1-1 except that German defender Torsten Frings blocked the shot...with his right wrist and forearm.  The referee on the field ruled that the obvious handball was unintentional and that the US would receive no PK.  Too bad the Germans can't say the same for repeatedly attacking France and killing millions of Jews..."it was unintentional so we're not really at fault and should receive no punishment." No. It doesn't work that way. The US got robbed.

That will not be the case here. Following a semifinals appearance and utter domination in qualifying, the Germans will destroy the Americans, especially since we'll likely be missing forward Charlie Davies AND defender Oguchi Onyewu. 2006's Golden Boot winner Miroslav Klose should have a field day. Germany advances.

Mexico vs. Argentina

This is another angry rematch of two teams with a history. I was in Mexico in 2006 when the Tricolores advanced to the knockout round to face Argentina.  My host family and I watched intently as the match went to extra time. It looked certain to head to PKs until Maxi Rodriguez put a miraculous bicycle in the upper 90 of the Mexican goal. It was like someone had just been shot. I don't think I was allowed to discuss soccer for 2 days.

I mentioned yesterday that Argentina has Messi and not a whole lot else. They're very talented, but his ability is the only thing that overshadows Diego Maradona's mania.

Sidebar: I just finished reading a book on Hugo Chavez and I am convinced that a reality TV show with him and Maradona would be incredibly entertaining. The two of them could just walk around and shout ridiculous things angrily in spanish at undeserving passersby. Then they could insult women and maybe even steal a Latin American election or two. My point is the two men are equally bombastic and essentially insane. The difference is that one is in charge of a soccer team while one runs a country with long range ballistic capabilities just south of the most developed countries in the Western World.

OK, back to business. Argentina is better than Mexico because Mexico is aging and still confused despite pulling it together to beat the US in qualifying and make it into the 2010 draw. Their run ends here with less drama.

Netherlands vs. Paraguay

George: "Its not Holland. It's the Netherlands"
Jerry: "Holland IS the Netherlands."
George: "Then who are the Dutch?!"

That's a small clip from Seinfeld, but really, who are the Dutch?"

Newman mentioned it yesterday that the Dutch have a habit of being upset by lesser teams. I'm still picking Holland because the Netherlands appears to be superior. I have little or no evidence of this other than a great performance in Euro 2008 in which they were upset by Russia. Get the dilemma?  I'll just pick the Netherlands, but don't be surprised if the Men of Orange get upset.

Brazil vs. Honduras

Honduras is lucky to be here and Brazil is a juggernaut. Brazil easily. Also, Newman, Brazil is a 5-time champ... not 4.

Italy vs. Cameroon

The Italians are known for their D. The Cameroonians are overmatched. This should be a win for Italy

Ivory Coast vs. Spain

Cote D'Ivorie will be coming off a mortal struggle to advance out of the Group of Death. Spain has two great forwards in Xavi Alonso and Fernando Torres. Ivory Coast is really good, but I have a feeling they'll be beaten down from knock down dragout matches with Brazil and Portugal. I pick Spain.

Quarterfinals:
Netherlands vs. Brazil

These are two very talented teams offensively. Watching the Brazilians come on wave after wave against USA in South Africa last summer really left a lasting impression on me. I'm picking Brazil here but when you get this deep with two great soccer nations, anything can happen.

France vs.  England

England has Owen, Lampard, Gerrard, Beckham, and more. France has Thierry Henry's left hand and quite possibly should not even be here. I can't count the French out because they've been Lucky Pierres lately (please look that term up on Urban Dictionary. Please. ), but I like the English to advance in this 100 Minutes War.

Argetina vs. Germany

Argentina is still in the tournament due to a very favorable draw. That ends when they face ze Germahns. The Luftewaffe overwhelms Argentina much the way England did in the Faulkland Islands War. Diego Maradona disappears to Tierra del Fuego with Hugo Chavez. The world explodes 2 weeks later.

Italy vs. Spain

This is going to be an awesome match, and I really hope it happens. You have the defensively gifted Italians against the offensively explosive spaniards. You have a long track record of success and a team defending a title against a long track record of unmet expectations and a team that has won little (Euro 08 aside). The Spanish are ranked by FIFA as the world's best team. It's like a matchup of the Steelers and Colts (not entirely, but go with me on it for comparison's sake). I'm going to the Steelers aka the Italians. The Spanish will just have to keep wondering what could have been.

Semifinals:
England vs. Brazil

This is a more even match than it was in 2002 when Ronaldinho popped one over the head of English keeper David Seaman (chuckle). It makes sense to pick Brazil here, but Brazil did have some trouble early in CONMEBOL qualifying (as of the summer of 2008 they were not a qualifier. ). I'm going to pick England with a header from Peter Crouch off a David Beckham set piece carrying the day.

Italy vs. Germany

It's a rematch of the 2006 semifinal which Italy won 2-0 in Dortmund to depress an entire host nation. I think the opposite will happen here. I'm picking Germany over Italy in a game where we begin to see that Italy's staunch back line will look drastically different in 2014. The Italian defense is good, but it will be too old to deal with the youth and speed of the Germans. Germany moves on.

Third Place:
Italy vs. Brazil

If only Brazil could have played Italy in the semis, they might be playing in the finals. In a rematch of '94 World Cup final in Pasadena, I take the Brazilians to overwhelm a tired Italy and win 3rd place.

The Final
Germany vs. England

England has won one World Cup in 1966. A unified Germany has NEVER won the World Cup although West Germany has won it multiple times, most recently in 1990. I think Germany will win this match, but it's really a toss up. I know this is at least a match I would like to see. But I can't wait for the whole World Cup to come. I can't wait for June 11, 2010. I can't wait.

WOW

Wow.

What a way to end a season. Days like yesterday are the reason you love college football.

First you had Cincinnati spotting Pittsburgh a 31-10 lead before storming back to win by one in the final minute because Pitt had just missed an extra point. Tony Pike. Dion Lewis. Jonathan Baldwin. Mardy Gilyard. So many playmakers and so many big plays. Cinci just made the last. Undefeated season preserved (until getting mauled by Florida in the Sugar Bowl).

Then you had the SEC Championship game between the #1 and #2 teams in the country. What the game lacked in drama was made up for by the continual disgust of Urban Meyer ripping off his handset, the "vaunted" Florida D getting shredded, and Tebow crying. I've been saying on this site for the past 2 months that Florida has been a bit overrated and it showed yesterday. They don't have the playmakers on offense of last years champs and their defense sorely missed Carlos Dunlap. Before last night the only offense they'd faced inside the top 50 in the country was a Florida State team playing without the QB who gave them that ranking. And thus ends the Tebow "Dynasty". I will admit as much as I got sick of the tireless media fawning over the guy, I still felt for him after the game. It'll be a bit anticlimactic to see him finishing his career against the Bearcats in N'Orleans.

Which brings us to the nightcap. When Hunter Lawrence's field goal barely slipped through the left upright (I am not a religious man but how badass is it Shipley whispered into the kickers ear "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord" right before the kick?), I lost consciousness briefly. Embarrassingly, it was the closest thing to an orgasm I've had in a few months. And it isn't as much that I have liked Texas and McCoy all year after they got screwed over last season as it was the thought of Cincinnati, which has been given up 40 points to the likes of Connecticut and Pittsburgh, slipping into Pasadena against Alabama. Make no mistake about it, Texas vs. Alabama is going to be a great title game with two very deserving teams. I don't want to hear it from people who think this is somewhat of a mismatch just because of the performances yesterday. Texas, while looking far from pretty, found a way to win against a 9-3 Nebraska team with a words cannot describe defensive performance.

Don't laugh when I say this, but Nebraska's defense is the best in the country. While they are only 9th in Total Defense, they have played almost 200 more plays than top ranked TCU (904 to 729). The next closest team in front of them is Texas with only 855. They have only allowed 16 touchdowns in a league perennially known for offense. In Scoring Defense they are second behind Alabama only because they have allowed more field goals (146 to 143). They have also played 130 more plays than the Tide in the same amount of games. They also have Ndamukong Suh who is by-God the best defensive college football player I have ever seen. There is a reason this guy might be drafted first overall next spring and it was showcased in his tour de force against Texas. He had 4.5 sacks and 7 tackles for loss. At one point, he stopped McCoys progress with one arm and flung him down like a rag doll. I was literally just stunned the entire game against how great this guy was. And this isn't even to mention that this defense has won 9(!) games with that petty excuse for an offense. Could you imagine if they had someone like Ingram or Tebow or an offense like Texas to keep them off the field as much as they have been and then readjust their already great stats? 2009 Nebraska was a waste of one the best and extremely underappreciated defenses in college football history because of an offense that would struggle to score against Texas high schools.

What an end to a season that has otherwise lacked some of the drama of years past. Now we have a great a title matchup between two great defenses (no running back has rushed for 100 yards against Texas this year) and two sure to be Heisman finalists in Ingram and McCoy. I don't know about y'all but I am extremely pumped for the bowl season. Giddy up.

Luck of the Draw (Part 1)

It should be a testament to how far soccer has come in this country that the draw for the 2010 World Cup was broadcast live in a 3 hour block on ESPN 2. America used to not care a bit about soccer, let alone understand the way the draw worked enough to televise it. Not the case anymore.

And seemingly in order to repay American investment, the Americans were given the most favorable draw in recent memory. I'll get to that later. At a glance, here are the groups and what I believe you can expect from the games, which begin Friday June 11 in South Africa.

How can you mention the World Cup Draw without mentioning how ungodly hot Charlize Theron is? Good lord, book my ticket to SA if women look half that good. She's almost as hot as David Beckhams haircut is bad...almost.

2010 World Cup Draw

Group A:

South Africa

Mexico

Uruguay

France

France needs to go on a gambling run in Vegas immeditely. They have caught an unbelievable bit of luck in the past month. To get into the World Cup, they used an obvious double handball to leave Ireland out in the cold and qualify for the 2010 draw. Now they're the clear favorites advance from this group. The luck of playing the host nation, South Africa cannot be understated. They'll have a near guaranteed win over the Springboks. Before that, they'll take on a team in Uruguay that faded down the stretch of CONMEBOL qualifying and just made the draw. Finally, they'll face Mexico, the second best team in the weak CONCACAF region. The French will take this group with Mexico qualifying for the round of 16 right behind them. So long South Africa! Join your fans in the stands.

Don't underestimate the emotional spark playing a World Cup game on home turf can give me a team. France won the tournament as hosts in 1998, Korea made it to the semifinals in 2002, and Germany also lost in the semifinals in 2006. I'm not saying the Hosts will beat Le'Bleu, or go nearly as far as hosts past, but you have to give them more credit than this. They'll be a tough out.

Group B:

Argentina

Nigeria

South Korea

Greece

Argentina narrowly avoided a play-in game with Costa Rica prompting manager Diego Maradona to go into a profanity-filled tirade extolling the advanced state of Argentine futbol. They have the world's best player in Lionel Messi, but not a ton of other pieces. They are certainly not a sure thing to progress to the next round. Mainly, they'll have to contend with 3 other selections that are all wild cards, at times showing unbelievable talent, at times playing an inept brand of the beautiful game. Nigeria will be the most athletic team in the group. Their talent is raw and undeveloped, but batten down the hatches and pray for help should they get organized and attack for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. South Korea has limited big name talent (San Ji Park plays in the Premier League) but they have a talented group of forwards that took them to the semifinals in 2002 as the host nation and allowed them to advance from the group stage in 2006. They are no easy victory for anyone in this draw. Greece is quite possibly the world's most frustrating team. They have extremely limited offensive capabilities, but woe to those who fall behind the Greeks. After scoring a goal, they've been known to pack 11 in the box on defense and abandon an attack completely. They rode this stingy strategy to a massive upset victory in Euro 2004 and used it again to qualify for 2010.  The biggest question will be which of those three teams can put it together for three straight games to advance alongside Argentina. I like the Greeks in another upset of smaller proportions than Euro 04.

Random musings on Group B. Argentina's baby blue and white striped jerseys are the slickest in the the tournament. Can't express how exciting it is to see what hairstyles are trendy in Asia in June 2010. South Korea always provides a good look into those crazy Easterners, whether it be a Sonic the Hedgehog style spike or a Rufio induced red hair dye. I love it. I'd rather just take a nap instead of watch Greece play. They are pretty similar, except I actually get rest in the former. Do I know anything about Nigerian soccer? Of course not. And I question the validity that Mitch does either.

Group C:

England

United States

Algeria

Slovenia

Somehow, the Americans got exactly what they wanted. In ESPN's draw coverage, reporter Rob Stone was hanging out in a bar on the Eastside of Manhattan. The American fans in attendance broke into chants of "We want England!"  Well we got it.  Aside from being placed in Group A with the host nation, England is a great scenario for the Americans, especially with star David Beckham having played against the better part of the American roster for the last 3 years. Few surprises with that matchup. Then comes Algeria, the final (and so worst) African qualifier. The most talented Algerians (like Zenadine Zidane) emigrate to France, leaving the cupboard somewhat bare there. Slovenia is the smallest country to qualify for the world cup. Aside from that fact and a highly organized style of play, they have never made much of a name for themselves in international play. The Yanks and Brits will advance here, with the winner on day one determining who's the winner and who's the runner up. Unfortunately, I like the more talented and better midfield of England to win the revolutionary rematch. But that may be fortunate as we shall see.

Not sure how it matters that Americans have played against Beckham. Aside from sporting the worst haircut in professional sports and having the voice of a female porn star, the dude is just a figurehead for the national team. The best players for England are unquestionably a healthy Gerrard and Lampard. Nevertheless, England has more of a chance of adopting the American flag than not making it through this group. That brings us to the Americans. I am sure everyone is very optimistic after the Red, White and Blue beat Spain and got two goals up against Brazil in the finals of the Confederations Cup. You know what high expectations mean though, don't you? America always seems to falter under these types of circumstances. They should get through but I don't see Slovenia and Algeria as any sort of cream puffs. Slovenia beat a very talented and well coached Russia team while Algeria beat the African League champions in Egypt. 

Group D:

Germany

Australia

Ghana

Serbia

Germany hosted the last World Cup in 2006 and lost on PKs to Italy. They are just as strong this time around and should mow down the rest of this group with typical German efficiency. Ghana is Africa's best team and has a legitimate chance to be the first ever African World Cup winner. Australia and Serbia simply can't match up with the stronger teams in the group. Germany will take this group over Ghana.

Where are you getting these soccer facts? Ghana is currently the fourth highest FIFA ranked African nation, a whopping 18 spots below Cameroon. Whatever, they have sick jerseys. Germany rolls on like a Panzer. 

Group E:

Netherlands

Japan

Cameroon

Denmark

The Dutch side looked like the clear favorite to win Euro 2008, annihalating oppenents by four and five goals inthe group stage. I picked them to win the tournament with ease. Then they were inexplicably upset by Russia when the Ruskies scored 2 goals in extra time. Russia 3 Holland 1 still strikes me as a bigger upset than most people realize in the Western Hemisphere. The Dutch are REALLY good, and certainly better than the other three teams in this group. The battle for runnerup is a toss up. I'll go with the physically imposing if unorganized Cameroonians to take second.

If you haven't learned by now that the Dutch always look amazing in group play only to lose in some fashion in the next round, than, well my friend, you haven't been watching the Oranje for too many years. They are notorious for the flame out (although losing to a solid Russian team in Euro is not a huge upset, especially in a sport like soccer). Cameroon is also the best team in Africa and could give the Netherlands a run for first place. Denmark and Japan? Whatever.

Group F:

Italy

New Zealand

Paraguay

Slovakia

Italy looks weak heading into it's title defense. It features an aging back line and suffered an embarrassing defeat to Egypt (who did not qualify for the draw) that allowed the US to move forward in the Confederations Cup this passed Summer.  They'll still win this group, but can their D match their O? We'll see. New Zealand is a rugby nation and Slovakia is a European throw in. Paraguay will advance as the group's runner up.

Italy never looks too imposing until World Cup time, so I won't count out the defending champion Azzurri from making another run at the trophy. Losing to Egypt, who won the African Cup, is not really that embarrassing. They also got handed a group which is easier than Britney Spears. Slovakia will probably have a different name in a few years and New Zealand could field sheep and still be as dangerous to advance. Paraguay is a solid representative from South America and will advance as well.

Group G:

Brazil

North Korea

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Hola Grupo de Muerte! The North Korean side will probably get outscored 12-0 in their three games next summer. Too bad Kim Jong Il can't play for them, since the 5-foot, Zoolander-haired, nuclearly inclined, sociopathic leader is also a sports prodigy (or so North Korean media will tell you). Since Spain won Euro 2008, Portugal has become the new Spain. This is not a good thing, as the Spanish were notorious for under achieving despite impressive talent. We all witnessed the wrath of Brazil in their second half comeback against the Americans to win the Confed Cup final 3-2 over the US. They are impressive. Then there's the Ivory Coast, an African anomaly in that they have the best-managed talent and athleticism on the contienent. The Brazilians will Win the group, and I like Didier Drogba and the Ivory Coast to continue to allow Portugal to underachieve.

Yes, in any language this is the Group of Death. Brazil and Portugal are two of the most talented teams in the world as well as being two of the most fun to watch. Ivory Coast is dangerous and has one of the worlds premiere players in Drogba. It's really a Russian roulette on who the odd team out will be in advancing. I caught Brazil play at the Confederations Cup and what I saw in the second half against the US was truly dominant so I can't see the 4 time World Cup champions not moving on. That leaves the Ivory Coast and Portugal to duke it out for second. I see Portugal putting their talent together to advance.

Group H:

Spain

Honduras

Chile

Switzerland

The Swiss will be the odd team out in this spanish-speaking group. Nevermind, they'll be content being the happiest nation in the world with their overwhelming amounts of money and chocolate and lack of war. One week is all they get in South Africa, so it's nice to know they'll have that to go home to. I had the pleasure of living in Chile in the summer of 2008, so I am happy to see the Chileans in the World Cup. But having watched them try to qualify last summer, I simply was not impressed with their ability or style of play. I have to say the opposite for Honduras, which upset Mexico and is quite a feisty bunch. I like the Hondurans to advance alongside the obvious favorite in World #1 Spain.

Looking at this group made me yawn. Spain, Switzerland. 

So their you go:

1A: France

2A: Mexico

1B: Argentina

2B: Greece

1C: England

2C: USA

1D: Germany

2D: Ghana

1E: Netherlands

2E: Cameroon

1F: Italy

2F: Paraguay

1G: Brazil

2G: Ivory Coast

1H: Spain

2H: Honduras

I'll be back tomorrow with my picks to win the whole thing and hold the most underwhelming trophy in sports