"Tiger Zoo"

The Dudes have been mum on the whole Tiger Woods thing. Frankly, we find the whole thing quite sad. Bill Simmons, however, posted a brilliant write up (that echoes most of our sentiments), as he often does, on ESPN's website today. The article is copied and pasted below.

With five weeks remaining in the aughts, pre-teens, double zeroes or whatever we end up calling the 2000s, the title for "Biggest Sports Story of the Decade" was up for grabs. Michael Vick? Tim Donaghy? The Mitchell report? The Artest Melee? Barry Bonds? Pat Tillman? Eagle, Colorado? Roger Clemens? Andre Agassi's admission that he won Wimbledon with a weave? You could have made a case for any of them.

And then ... Tiger happened.

 

Game over.

I'm calling it the "Tiger Zoo" instead of "TigerGate," only because we have to break the habit of slapping "gate" after everything. But the Tiger Zoo nailed every gotta-have-it component for a big-time story with legs. First, it involved one of the most famous living athletes. Second, it started definitively with a specific incident -- and not just any incident, but something that made us say, "Wait, this seems fishy, I wonder what really happened here ..." and quickly became more complex than we imagined. Third, it built steam over the next week, crossed into the mainstream and dominated conversations, e-mails and tweets. Fourth, it transformed our collective perception of a famous person and made us re-evaluate every opinion we had about him. Fifth, it grew so enormous so quickly that everyone with a forum (radio show, column, blog, whatever) felt obligated to come up with an angle on it.

Sixth, it doesn't show any signs of slowing down; if anything, it's gaining steam like a hurricane plowing toward Florida. Seventh, it involves three of the gotta-have-it basics in any gigantic story: sex, (possible) violence, and a (possible) cover-up. Eighth, there's an unanswerable question looming over everything: Even if Tiger did cheat on his wife, should it matter to anyone other than them? (My answer: It shouldn't. But that's the rub of being a public figure. If you don't want to be a public figure, don't do commercials, don't cover yourself in Nike logos and don't sell a video game with your name on it.) And ninth, it's a conspiracy-friendly saga that lends itself to all kinds of inventive angles, an absolute must for any story to maintain dominance.

That last point cemented the Tiger Zoo as an iconic story. Maybe Michael Vick's fall from grace was mildly incredible on paper, but there were no real layers to it. The facts came out, Vick's reputation was tarnished, he paid a price, and that was that. People across America weren't having arguments at cocktail parties about Vick, nor were they spending dinners breaking down facts and spouting opinions like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay debating the NFL draft.

But Tiger? Put it this way ...

You will attend a holiday party this weekend. You will start talking about Tiger with one or two other people. A few others will drift over saying, "Are you talking about Tiger?" Within a few minutes, the circle will be eight-deep. Conspiracy theories will be flying as Elvis' "Blue Christmas" plays in the background. Somebody's girlfriend or wife will say, "If that ever happened with [my man], I'd go after him with a golf club." Everyone will laugh. Eventually, you will start talking about Obama or the Saints or something. And then an hour later? The same conversation will happen in another part of the room.

In a way, that's been the most unfathomable part of this story. Tiger Woods dominating the conversation at a holiday party??? For years, nobody had an interesting take on him other than, "Wow, that guy's great." I even wrote an entire column in 2002 titled, "Tiger: What Can You Say?" He designed it that way, avoiding the media other than generic news conferences and cream-puff interviews designed to promote himself or a product. (Like this "10 minutes with Tiger" piece I wrote in 2006.) We knew little about his personal life beyond "married a Swedish nanny, lives in Orlando, has two kids." Not since DiMaggio had an athlete managed to stay this famous and this private at the same time. Hell, he named his yacht "Privacy." He relished it.

Of course, he also relished the spoils that came with his immense fame ... and that's where it became a problem. On Thanksgiving night, the superstar who controlled everything suddenly had something he couldn't control. The subsequent two weeks illustrated, in ugly detail, every problem with journalism right now. There are no lines anymore. There is no middleman or filter. Stories change constantly, sometimes four or five times per day, and the accuracy of those stories doesn't totally matter as long as there's a story in the first place. Yesterday, three different friends forwarded me a clip of a porn actress bragging for 90 seconds about an alleged tryst with Tiger six months ago. Not exactly the most credible source.

Did I watch the clip? Of course. I couldn't help it. The source of information no longer matters, just the information itself. We all do it. We all send the e-mails and texts, and we all read them.

Watch this, this is probably not true but still crazy.

Read this, might be a kernel of truth in here.

This would be so funny if it's actually true.

In the pre-teen double-zero aughts, these mega-stories are like Maximus in "Gladiator," covered in blood after a fresh kill and screaming at everyone sitting in the Colosseum, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is that not why you are here?" We don't want to be crammed into the Colosseum, but we can't help ourselves. We also never imagined that Tiger would be wearing the Maximus outfit, and maybe that's the bigger issue here.

See, we spent 12 years following a guy we didn't know at all. We had little to no connection to someone who was better at golf than we were at anything. We checked tournaments on Saturdays and Sundays thinking one thing: "How is Tiger doing?" We invested an inordinate amount of time supporting someone who made it clear that he didn't care about us unless we were buying one of the products he endorsed. He was fine with the arrangement, and so were we. We got to watch him play golf. He got the trophies, the trophy wife and the spoils. Everyone was happy.

And yet ... we wondered about him. Little stuff. Why couldn't he learn how to successfully high-five his caddie? How did he end up with a Swedish nanny? What did they have in common? What were his hobbies? How did he spend his time while recovering from knee surgery? Why did his temper keep bubbling to the surface this year? Who were his friends? Could he hold a conversation during dinner? What mattered to him? You wonder these things when someone you don't know -- someone you can't even get a feel for -- keeps popping in your life for big chunks of time. By shutting himself off and stripping himself of anything that could be perceived as interesting, Tiger inadvertently made himself interesting. He also opened the door for a feeding frenzy if anything ever went wrong.

Something went wrong. The feeding frenzy happened. And I was one of the feeders. I digested this story whole, every morsel -- true, untrue or half-true. I discussed it with my friends more than anything happening with my four Boston teams combined. I tossed out as many conspiracy theories as anyone. I found myself fascinated not by his alleged cheating, but by his arrogance that none of his misdeeds would ever surface ... because, after all, I am Tiger Woods. I couldn't believe how badly his "team" handled things these past two weeks. I got a kick out of talking heads and writers arrogantly dispensing life advice like Dr. Phil wannabes. I practically drowned in all the perspectives being fed to me from different people "in the know." Like this exchange from three days ago ...

Guy In The Know: "Tiger's biggest mistake was not having a cleaner."

Me: "A cleaner?"

Guy In The Know: "Yeah, someone who cleans up messes."

Me: "Like the Wolf in 'Pulp Fiction'?"

Guy In The Know: "Kind of. Like, he shouldn't have been the one making that call to Jaimee Grubbs. It should have been made for him."

It's right out of a movie. Literally. A cleaner. That's just one of the reasons why this story won't stop being interesting any time soon. It's the biggest sports story, but also the weirdest, and the one that makes me feel the worst about myself.

I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't gossiping about it like a 10th-grade girl. I wish I could say, "You know what? It's between his wife and him, we need to stay out of it." But there are just too many wrinkles to this baby. The biggest star of this decade ended up in the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Are you not entertained?

Sadly, I am. And so are you. Sounds like the perfect time to break open a special two-part mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Q: In 2059, do you think Discovery or the History Channel will celebrate the 50th anniversary of Tiger's car crash with Tiger Week? It could be all documentaries about his rise and fall, including a new special called "The Dawn Of Black Friday" that uses new-wave forms of CGI, satellite equipment and forensic evidence to figure out exactly what happened with the car crash. Which reminds me -- what do you think happened that night?
--Bill S., Los Angeles

SG: OK, I cheated and wrote that question myself. Couldn't help it. Everyone has their own theory about the night of Nov. 26 at Tiger's house, splintering us into various camps like a modern version of JFK's assassination. We will never know what happened. And that's what bothers us.

We can all agree on the following things ...

1. The combination of the National Enquirer's story about Hookup No. 1 (Rachel Uchitel, revealed on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving) and US Weekly's story about Tiger's voice mail to Hookup No. 2 (Grubbs, revealed eight days later, that asked her to change her message because his wife found her number in his cell phone) would indicate tension in Tiger's house. To say the least.

(Note: In my house, my car "accident" would have happened the same night as the Enquirer story. And also, I would've had to explain to police why I tried to jam my BlackBerry down my throat.)

2. It's impossible to crash your own car leaving your own driveway that you've left a million times unless (a) you were drunk or zonked out on painkillers, (b) you were asleep in the car and sleep-drove it (like a form of sleepwalking), (c) you were fleeing for your life as your furious wife clubbed the back of a car with a golf club, or (d) you have no hand-eye coordination at all. We can rule out only (d).

3. Tiger's wife broke the rear windows on his Cadillac Escalade with a golf club. We don't know if this happened before or after the crash, and we don't know why she was holding a golf club in the first place, or even if she was screaming, "YOU DESERVED IT YOU [EXPLETIVE]!" while triumphantly waving the 9-iron, but she definitely did break the windows. Tiger even admitted this and she told the police she did it to pull him from the vehicle. Although he called her "courageous" within that admission. Which seems like a stretch. The neighbors were much more courageous. If my next-door neighbor crashed into a tree, and I looked out my window and noticed his wife standing over him and holding a golf club, I would double lock my doors and not leave my house.

(One wrinkle here that hasn't been mentioned enough: It makes sense that she didn't break the driver's window or passenger's window to free him. She would have shattered glass all over him. By shattering the rear windows, she prevented any glass (or less glass) from hitting him. You know, assuming she did this after the crash, and not as he was driving away and she was chasing the car while swearing at him in Swedish.)

4. Neighbors found a shoeless Tiger lying next to his crashed vehicle, with his wife hovering over him ... and he was snoring. That's what they told police. TMZ (and other outlets) also reported that Tiger was in and out of consciousness for six minutes. That's a long time when you think about it.

(On the other hand, it's TMZ. With all due respect, TMZ isn't exactly operating under the same rules as Woodward and Bernstein in the mid-'70s.)

5. In Florida, if police suspect even a whiff of domestic violence, the law reads "the decision to arrest and charge shall not require the consent of the victim or consideration of the relationship of the parties." For three days following the crash, the Florida Highway Patrol tried to interview Tiger about the crash. Each time, he refused to allow them in the house.

(Note: That smacks of either "I'm Tiger Woods and I don't need to explain myself" or "I need to wait for these scratches on my face to heal before anyone sees me," with no in-between. So it's either incredibly arrogant or incredibly revealing. I am leaning toward arrogant. As always with these things, the cover-up ends up being more dangerous than the incident itself. Unless you killed your ex-wife and a waiter. Then it's a tie.)

6. The accident happened around 2:30 a.m. and didn't leak for more than 12 hours.

(Also incredible. How does this not leak right away? You can go to TMZ on any Friday or Saturday night and see live footage of Lindsay Lohan taking a leak in the plants in front of STK. This story took almost 13 hours to come out??? Really? We need an Orlando branch of TMZ apparently.)

7. Tiger's wife gave birth to a daughter (now 2 years old) and a son (10 months). You're reading the same guy who once premiered my buddy Sully's "Twelve Percent Theory" in this same space: that every childbirth makes a woman 12 percent less sane until the kids can fully function on their own. So if you have two kids, you're batting at about 76 percent sane.

Anyone married with two young children can back me up: You don't mess with your wife, in any way, shape or form, during the 12 months after that second kid is born. Her hormones have gone haywire. She isn't sleeping enough. She's dealing with the new baby, the suddenly wounded ego of the first kid who doesn't feel special anymore, and whether she can handle two kids at all. She's trying to lose the weight from Baby No. 2, only she doesn't have enough time to work out yet. So she hates herself and hates you for doing this to her.

You aren't walking on eggshells around your wife during this stretch; you're walking on razor blades. Every comment has to be carefully considered before being spoken. For instance, here's a typical exchange with a mother of two young kids who has a baby 10 months or younger:

Husband: "You look really nice today."
Wife: "Why today? Why did you have to say today?"
Husband: "I just meant--"
Wife: "So I don't look nice on any other day?"

That's the Twelve Percent Theory in action. Again, you can't anger your wife during this time under any circumstances.

There's a chance that Tiger just has a fleet of nannies who deal with his kids, nullifying the Twelve Percent Theory to some degree. I don't think this is true for a simple reason: Tiger's wife was a nanny. Former nannies are less prone to hire a fleet of nannies because they know firsthand how attached a baby can get to a nanny. I think his wife carried much of the load herself. That would also explain why Tiger's mother was reportedly there on Thanksgiving. Not just for the holidays, but to help out. Right?

(I know, I know. I am throwing crap against the wall and hoping it sticks. On the other hand, you found yourself nodding the whole time. I'd bet anything. So let's say that Mrs. Tiger is hands-on with the kids. Fine.)

Anyway, the mix of "facts we know" and "things we perceive from those facts" left a little wiggle room and led to four accepted explanations emerging after the accident. I am leaving out any far-fetched explanation along the lines of "Tiger was going out to buy crack" and "Tiger had been furious at that fire hydrant for months and it was only a matter of time before he went after it."

Camp No. 1: "The Argument Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Either Mrs. Tiger stews about the Enquirer story and whatever she found on his cell phone, only she can't react for two days because family is visiting ... OR, she reacts on that Tuesday, and then something else happens Thanksgiving night (maybe a holiday text from one of Tiger's harem that she sees) that causes her to flip out. Either way, she's ticked off. She sulks through dinner, then they put the kids down and it's just her and Tiger. She confronts him. He storms off and texts someone as he's driving, forgets to look up and crashes the car ... OR, he's driving away, she runs out after him, he gets distracted and crashes the Escalade. She sees/hears the crash, runs down to make sure he's OK, can't open the door, runs back to the house, grabs a 9-iron, runs back down the driveway, breaks the windows and pulls him out. You know the rest.

The issues: Tiger's mother was in the house and would have heard them fighting had it escalated to that degree. Also, why would a mom with two kids be awake at 2:30 in the morning, much less arguing? Which leads us to ...

Camp No. 2: "The Feeding Gone Wrong" Theory

The story: Dinner, bed. Everything is fine. Around 2:00, the baby starts crying. She brings him downstairs for milk. Tiger's cell phone is sitting on the table. Because he's an idiot and one of the five dumbest adulterers of all time, he still doesn't have password protection on it ... OR, he does have a password, only she hacked it. Either way, she sees a text she shouldn't see. (One other variable here: One of his bimbettes may have just called his house and hung up.) Either way, it leads to the same argument and same results.

The issues: Same as in Camp No. 1. Slightly more plausible to me though.

Camp No. 3: The "She Tried To Kick His Butt" Theory

The story: Everything unfolds as in Camp No. 1 or Camp No. 2, but much more heated -- and maybe even with some scratching -- and ends with her chasing him out of the house and breaking the windows (followed by him crashing). This was my initial reaction, and yours, and just about everyone's.

The issues: Too easy. It's like saying Oswald killed JFK. Ties everything together a little too easily and conveniently. And as I mentioned earlier, the benevolently broken rear windshield makes more sense than you'd think.

Camp No. 4: The Painkiller/Ambien Theory

The story: Two pieces to this puzzle remain unexplained. First, how could Tiger crash his car without the air bags deploying? And second, why was he snoring after the accident?

Consider how hard it would be to crash your car, do significant damage to the car AND knock yourself out without the air bags going off. You'd have to crash without ever touching the brakes. Which makes me think he was asleep when the accident happened. The snoring would certainly back this up.

Tell me if this scenario sounds plausible ...

Tiger and his wife go to bed. He takes Ambien to fall asleep. Maybe he took more than that. After all, the guy had major knee surgery and might still be popping painkillers for all we know. (An admittedly reckless Daily Beast story speculated on this very topic.) The baby wakes up, leading to "The Feeding Goes Wrong" theory and Tiger's 76 percent sane wife going bonkers on him. She kicks him out of the house ... OR, he storms out. He gets into his car, but again, he's half-asleep and zoned out on Ambien. While debating where to drive, he falls back asleep, then in some sort of sleepwalking-type moment, starts the car and starts driving it ... OR, simply knocks it out of gear so it starts rolling. That would explain how the car crashed without going that fast, as well as his injuries (he would have hit his head), the snoring afterward, then his wife's reaction.

I vote for Camp No. 4. Then again, I'm the same person who believes that Oswald was firing at JFK while, at the exact same time, someone else Oswald didn't know (working for the CIA or the mafia) was also trying to shoot JFK from the grassy knoll. We will never know the truth. Ever. Just one of the things that make it the biggest sports story of the pre-teen double-zero aughts.

Why Does The World Hate Tim Tebow?

Read the headline of this article, and you will inevitably chuckle to yourself, and say something to the effect of, "Because he's a douche bag."  Well, I've had this said about me plenty of times, and I'm not a douche (debatable, I guess), so why is it so true about Tim Tebow?


As I watched then #2 Alabama take down then #1 Florida and saw Tim Tebow weeping earnestly on the sidelines, I immediately began receiving a barrage of texts from happy onlookers.  My dad, both brothers, even my sweet mother, numerous college friends and even people I don't know that well but that know that I hate Florida.  I should explain to those that don't know me that I am a Miami grad, and my brother went to Florida State, so I guess a certain level of hate for the Gators is allowable in my case.  But we're not focused on UF, although I do have a special hate in my soul for Urban Meyer, but that's for the article I will write when he bails on UF for Notre Dame.


But its not that everyone hates Florida, it's that everyone hates Tebow specifically.  I cannot remember a college football player that has garnered so much hate from so many people of different shapes, colors, sizes, and fan bases.  Somehow, this home-schooled, hard core Christian kid from Jacksonville became the whipping boy for college football fans and even casual sports fans around the country (Newman and me included).


But let's take a look at the kid.

Timothy Richard Tebow was born August 14, 1987 in the Philippines.  His parents are Bob and Pam Tebow, who were both missionaries.  Timmy nearly didn't make it out of the womb, as potential complications from an infection nearly caused Pam Tebow to lose the pregnancy.  Against medical advice, Pam  had the baby, and Tim Tebow was born.


Because of the family's extensive mission work and Christian roots, the Tebows decided to home school their kids.  This did not stop Tim Tebow from playing for Nease High School in Jacksonville.  He proceeded to break nearly every record in the state of Florida for passing and running by a quarterback.  He also won a state title for Nease in Fall 2005.  His records were then broken in subsequent years by Miami recruits Robert Marve (Tampa Plant High '07, now with Purdue) and Jacory Harris (Miami-Northwestern High '08).  But Tebow was already on to the University of Florida.


There he split time with Chris Leak and won a national title his freshman year, being used most often as a running quarterback.  When Leak graduated, Tebow took the college football world by storm.  His sophomore year will be legendary for years to come.  More than 20 TDs passing, more than 20 rushing.  He won the Heisman, but his own success did not mean team success.  The Gators went 9-4 and lost to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl.


In the off season, Tebow circumcises a filipino child (timeline approximate....errr....guessed).


His Junior year was not as impressive, but Florida went 12-1 and won another title, beating Oklahoma.  Midway through the season, Florida lost to Ole Miss, and Tebow gave what is known as "the speech."  He apologized to Florida fans and media in attendence and swore that the Gators would play harder than any team in history for the rest of the season.  After the season, Tebow's image and words were put up on a plaque outside the stadium, immortalized at the Swamp forever.


In the off season, Tebow travels to prisons in central Florida trying to convert convicts.  Sports Illustrated chronicles his efforts.


This year, Tebow and the Gators were not as strong as years passed, but they managed to ravaged a terrible SEC East and pick up wins over SEC West teams like Mississippi State and LSU.  'Bama was a different animal, however, and the Tide destroyed UF 32-13.


Tebow will win neither a national title nor a Heisman this year (probably).


So, what spawned the hatred of the talented Christian kid similar to that of the beast?  You'd think Tebow's number was 666 instead of 15.


I think the problem that we all have with Tebow is not really a problem with Tim Tebow at all.  It is a problem with ourselves.  The same way women hate Pamela Anderson; the same way the Taliban hates Americans; thats the same way college football fans hate Tim Tebow.


Now what do I mean?  Are all of you, my imaginary readers, supposed to be jealous bitches or muslim fundamentalists?  Of course not.  But if you ever watched Bay Watch with a girl and watched her roll her eyes and say,"I don't get it.  This show sucks." then you might understand me.  If you've ever watched some grainy, interpreted video on CNN with some bearded dude declaring "Death to the Infidels." you might understand me.

Women hate Pam Anderson because of all that she represents.  In the mid '90s, it didn't matter what that girl did, men were all over her.  Her huge breasts, tiny waist, and 5'7", 107-pound frame were the fantasy of many a young and old man.  Women simply saw her as a big-breasted slut who had their boyfriends thinking of her instead of them.  They hated her because they knew that the sexual possibility represented by Pamela Anderson was more than they could ever muster.  No matter who the girl was and no matter what she did to herself, she was not touching the sexually iconic Pammy.  Even when Pam Anderson did things incomprehensible to most females, like deepthroat a 13-inch wang like Tommy Lee's, men still found this incredibly attractive, and women hated that men found this attractive.


They hated Pam Anderson for being wildly successful while doing all of the things that would get them isolated and kicked out of whatever circle of friends they had.  They hated Pam because they had no desire to be her but yet everything that they desired not to be (dumb, blond, slutty) was something that men somehow found overwhelmingly desirable.  The problem wasn't with Pamela Anderson, she was just making gobs of money and being worshipped by men everywhere (including Borat, retrospectively).  The problem was with the women who couldn't stand who she was and so decided she was worth hating.


Then you can take  a look at us, the lucky Americans who live in comfortable, air conditioned/heated homes and drink fresh water and have plenty of food while some poor schlubs live in caves, never cut their hair, and go hungry for entire months out of the year (Ramadan).  You're telling me that if we set a Taliban down in the middle of a huge loft apartment in New York City and gave him everything he wanted for 2 years that he wouldn't grow to enjoy it?  Maybe his religion would not allow this, and maybe the primordial guilt would rise up inside him and force him to leave the experiment before the two year term was complete.  But this still proves my point.


That point is that islamic fundamentalists don't hate our luxury and excess, they hate where they come from.  Al-Qaeda (and yes, I know that Al-Qaeda and the Taliban are two very separate entities) would love to have marble floors, track lighting, and a room that is always 70 degrees if their Lord so commanded.  They hate that we have them because of the inhuman capitalism that helped procure them.  If the Afghans could find some way to live in the lap of luxury and not concede their religious principles, I believe they would do it in a heartbeat.  But they can't.  And we live this way and we try to get them to live this way, and they can't stand it because they hate what our way of life symbolizes.  They cannot be like us because of the way they choose to live their lives, and so they cannot stand to coexist with us.


Pam Anderson?  The Taliban?  What does this have to do with Tim Tebow?  Well, as I said before, our hate for Timmy Tebow is not borne of his own doing.  The kid is lucky to be alive.  He has worked his ass off to be the best college football player in America collectively over the past four years (better players there have been, but none that stayed all four years).  He has worked as hard to win football games as to win the hearts and minds of convicts for Jesus Christ.


And we hate this.


If this kid existed in a cultural vacuum, he'd be a God.  A good looking, intelligent, religiously inclined, extremely athletically talented, determined kid would do well in an America that did not have so many self-confidence issues.  But Tebow may be the ideal that we all consciously or unconsciously rebelled against in high school.  He somehow has everything, and we keep waiting for that incredible wall of faith to crack.  We keep waiting for a DUI, or a hooker, or a sex tape, or a 2:30 AM, low speed car crash while on pain pills (well, Tiger IS only a couple of hours from Gainesville).  We keep waiting for Tebow to get knocked off of his high perch and down here with the rest of us sinners.  He's just too perfect. 


Like women hate Pam Anderson, we hate Tebow because he exemplifies something we cannot achieve.  Like islamic fundamentalists hate Americans, we hate Tebow because he is able to live his life in a way that we choose not to because it goes against what we are accustomed to (I'm speaking now, to Christians like myself who aspire to be good but make many poor decisions on a yearly basis to keep us from ascending to the level of, say, Tim Tebow).


When you take away the "speech," the Heisman, the national titles, the convict conversions, the circumcision, the virginity until marriage claim, the state titles, the state records, the national records, and the ceaseless excitement on the sidelines, America cheered and texted and high fived as a 22 year old kid cried his eyes out on the sideline.  In that moment, Tebow was no different than a little leaguer in mid August, and we cheered it on like we were all about to win the lottery.


It was (is) shameful.  And I hate Tim Tebow.  But maybe I just hate myself.


I hate Tim Tebow. I hated all the media hype. I hated the coverage. I hated "the speech". I hated the on field theatrics. I hated the "God Bless" after his interviews. I hated every one yard touchdown run. I hated every wobbly pass. I hated the the Bible verses and the black eye paint. I hated the winning, and the winning, and the winning.


But I don't really hate Tim Tebow. I sports hate him. Let the much more apt Bill Simmons explain the concept:

"If you're not familiar with the term, "sports hate" is an underrated part of fandom. Everyone has guys they don't like, and more importantly, guys they enjoy not liking. The reasons are unique to us. There doesn't have to be anything rational about it. Sports hate can be triggered by one incident, one slight, one game gone wrong, anything.

If you read my basketball book, you might remember me making roughly 500 jokes about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He was my least favorite athlete of all time. I loved rooting against him. Everything he did bothered me: every expression, his goggles, the way officials constantly bailed him out, even the monotony of his skyhook -- and his Lakers uniform made me sports-hate him even more. When he announced his battle with leukemia this week, you know what happened? I felt terrible for him and hoped he would recover soon. I may have disliked him as a player, but still, my life as a sports fan was always more interesting with Kareem in it. Again, there's a difference between real hate and sports hate.


As fans, fundamentally, we need to root against certain players. Need to be bugged by them. Need to have our least favorite guys fail in the clutch just so we can say, "See, I told you, he sucks when it matters!" Need to taunt our friends who root for their teams. Need to see the pouty look on their faces when things go wrong. Need to say things like, "He'll never get it, he's a loser" and "He's selfish and that's that." Need to be definitive about people we don't like. And why. And for as long as we can possibly keep it going."

I don't genuinely hate, or even dislike, Tebow. I don't think anyone really does. They factor in all the media coverage and everything I outlined at the beginning of my response and simplify it by singling out Tebow. In the end, it's easy and fun to sports hate the guy. He's not the first one to get this phenomena on a national stage or the worst ( see JJ Reddick ) or the last. All these people, myself included, who have bad mouthed the guy for four years would also gawk if they saw him in person, ask for an autograph, or want to take a picture. So I disagree with Mitch, while eloquently put and makes sense, when he writes that it is inherent flaws in us that make us hate Tim Tebow.

We sports hate him. And you can bet your ass we'd all have loved him, be buying his jerseys, kissing his feet, and wearing black eye paint if he played for our team. 

Luck of the Draw (Part 2)

Please keep in mind that I was in Austin this weekend and had no access to a computer. I had to e-mail Newman part one and have him post it on Friday.  I did the same thing with Part 2, but Newman never quite got around to posting it.  So when I say "yesterday," I am referring to Friday.


Yesterday I told you who I expect to move on from the group stages of World Cup 2010.  Today, I'll extrapolate those findings and pick a winner.  Why pick a World Cup winner when the tournament is seven months away and we don't even know who will make it into the knockout stage?  Why the hell not?

France vs. Greece

Again, the Greeks play this stodgy, nearly unwatchable brand of soccer, but the French National Handball team is just way better and more athletic. Les Bleu should me through.

England vs. Ghana

I misremembered yesterday when I said that Ghana is the best African team this year, as Newman pointed out. The Ivory Coast is clearly the best team. However, what I was misremembering was that Ghana was the best African nation in Germany in 2006. The Black Stars were the only African nation to qualify for the Round of 16. They eventually fell to Brazil 3-0. I don't see much else happening differently in 2010. England will advance over Ghana.

USA vs. Germany

So much anger here on my part. I remember 2002 in South Korea.  My friends Mase and Ozzy and I woke
USA vs. Germany in the quarterdinals. That American team had somehow upset Portugal in the group stage, then tied host South Korea to move on to the quarterdinals. They took down archrival Mexico 2-0 in the Round of 16 to meet Germany in the quarterfinals. I already hated the Germans because of their goalie Oliver Khan and something else...hmmmm...oh yeah, World Wars I and II. Anyway, Michael Ballack scored for the Germans and all seemed lost until the Americans bounced a slow header toward an open goal mouth late in the game. The game should have been ties 1-1 except that German defender Torsten Frings blocked the shot...with his right wrist and forearm.  The referee on the field ruled that the obvious handball was unintentional and that the US would receive no PK.  Too bad the Germans can't say the same for repeatedly attacking France and killing millions of Jews..."it was unintentional so we're not really at fault and should receive no punishment." No. It doesn't work that way. The US got robbed.

That will not be the case here. Following a semifinals appearance and utter domination in qualifying, the Germans will destroy the Americans, especially since we'll likely be missing forward Charlie Davies AND defender Oguchi Onyewu. 2006's Golden Boot winner Miroslav Klose should have a field day. Germany advances.

Mexico vs. Argentina

This is another angry rematch of two teams with a history. I was in Mexico in 2006 when the Tricolores advanced to the knockout round to face Argentina.  My host family and I watched intently as the match went to extra time. It looked certain to head to PKs until Maxi Rodriguez put a miraculous bicycle in the upper 90 of the Mexican goal. It was like someone had just been shot. I don't think I was allowed to discuss soccer for 2 days.

I mentioned yesterday that Argentina has Messi and not a whole lot else. They're very talented, but his ability is the only thing that overshadows Diego Maradona's mania.

Sidebar: I just finished reading a book on Hugo Chavez and I am convinced that a reality TV show with him and Maradona would be incredibly entertaining. The two of them could just walk around and shout ridiculous things angrily in spanish at undeserving passersby. Then they could insult women and maybe even steal a Latin American election or two. My point is the two men are equally bombastic and essentially insane. The difference is that one is in charge of a soccer team while one runs a country with long range ballistic capabilities just south of the most developed countries in the Western World.

OK, back to business. Argentina is better than Mexico because Mexico is aging and still confused despite pulling it together to beat the US in qualifying and make it into the 2010 draw. Their run ends here with less drama.

Netherlands vs. Paraguay

George: "Its not Holland. It's the Netherlands"
Jerry: "Holland IS the Netherlands."
George: "Then who are the Dutch?!"

That's a small clip from Seinfeld, but really, who are the Dutch?"

Newman mentioned it yesterday that the Dutch have a habit of being upset by lesser teams. I'm still picking Holland because the Netherlands appears to be superior. I have little or no evidence of this other than a great performance in Euro 2008 in which they were upset by Russia. Get the dilemma?  I'll just pick the Netherlands, but don't be surprised if the Men of Orange get upset.

Brazil vs. Honduras

Honduras is lucky to be here and Brazil is a juggernaut. Brazil easily. Also, Newman, Brazil is a 5-time champ... not 4.

Italy vs. Cameroon

The Italians are known for their D. The Cameroonians are overmatched. This should be a win for Italy

Ivory Coast vs. Spain

Cote D'Ivorie will be coming off a mortal struggle to advance out of the Group of Death. Spain has two great forwards in Xavi Alonso and Fernando Torres. Ivory Coast is really good, but I have a feeling they'll be beaten down from knock down dragout matches with Brazil and Portugal. I pick Spain.

Quarterfinals:
Netherlands vs. Brazil

These are two very talented teams offensively. Watching the Brazilians come on wave after wave against USA in South Africa last summer really left a lasting impression on me. I'm picking Brazil here but when you get this deep with two great soccer nations, anything can happen.

France vs.  England

England has Owen, Lampard, Gerrard, Beckham, and more. France has Thierry Henry's left hand and quite possibly should not even be here. I can't count the French out because they've been Lucky Pierres lately (please look that term up on Urban Dictionary. Please. ), but I like the English to advance in this 100 Minutes War.

Argetina vs. Germany

Argentina is still in the tournament due to a very favorable draw. That ends when they face ze Germahns. The Luftewaffe overwhelms Argentina much the way England did in the Faulkland Islands War. Diego Maradona disappears to Tierra del Fuego with Hugo Chavez. The world explodes 2 weeks later.

Italy vs. Spain

This is going to be an awesome match, and I really hope it happens. You have the defensively gifted Italians against the offensively explosive spaniards. You have a long track record of success and a team defending a title against a long track record of unmet expectations and a team that has won little (Euro 08 aside). The Spanish are ranked by FIFA as the world's best team. It's like a matchup of the Steelers and Colts (not entirely, but go with me on it for comparison's sake). I'm going to the Steelers aka the Italians. The Spanish will just have to keep wondering what could have been.

Semifinals:
England vs. Brazil

This is a more even match than it was in 2002 when Ronaldinho popped one over the head of English keeper David Seaman (chuckle). It makes sense to pick Brazil here, but Brazil did have some trouble early in CONMEBOL qualifying (as of the summer of 2008 they were not a qualifier. ). I'm going to pick England with a header from Peter Crouch off a David Beckham set piece carrying the day.

Italy vs. Germany

It's a rematch of the 2006 semifinal which Italy won 2-0 in Dortmund to depress an entire host nation. I think the opposite will happen here. I'm picking Germany over Italy in a game where we begin to see that Italy's staunch back line will look drastically different in 2014. The Italian defense is good, but it will be too old to deal with the youth and speed of the Germans. Germany moves on.

Third Place:
Italy vs. Brazil

If only Brazil could have played Italy in the semis, they might be playing in the finals. In a rematch of '94 World Cup final in Pasadena, I take the Brazilians to overwhelm a tired Italy and win 3rd place.

The Final
Germany vs. England

England has won one World Cup in 1966. A unified Germany has NEVER won the World Cup although West Germany has won it multiple times, most recently in 1990. I think Germany will win this match, but it's really a toss up. I know this is at least a match I would like to see. But I can't wait for the whole World Cup to come. I can't wait for June 11, 2010. I can't wait.

WOW

Wow.

What a way to end a season. Days like yesterday are the reason you love college football.

First you had Cincinnati spotting Pittsburgh a 31-10 lead before storming back to win by one in the final minute because Pitt had just missed an extra point. Tony Pike. Dion Lewis. Jonathan Baldwin. Mardy Gilyard. So many playmakers and so many big plays. Cinci just made the last. Undefeated season preserved (until getting mauled by Florida in the Sugar Bowl).

Then you had the SEC Championship game between the #1 and #2 teams in the country. What the game lacked in drama was made up for by the continual disgust of Urban Meyer ripping off his handset, the "vaunted" Florida D getting shredded, and Tebow crying. I've been saying on this site for the past 2 months that Florida has been a bit overrated and it showed yesterday. They don't have the playmakers on offense of last years champs and their defense sorely missed Carlos Dunlap. Before last night the only offense they'd faced inside the top 50 in the country was a Florida State team playing without the QB who gave them that ranking. And thus ends the Tebow "Dynasty". I will admit as much as I got sick of the tireless media fawning over the guy, I still felt for him after the game. It'll be a bit anticlimactic to see him finishing his career against the Bearcats in N'Orleans.

Which brings us to the nightcap. When Hunter Lawrence's field goal barely slipped through the left upright (I am not a religious man but how badass is it Shipley whispered into the kickers ear "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord" right before the kick?), I lost consciousness briefly. Embarrassingly, it was the closest thing to an orgasm I've had in a few months. And it isn't as much that I have liked Texas and McCoy all year after they got screwed over last season as it was the thought of Cincinnati, which has been given up 40 points to the likes of Connecticut and Pittsburgh, slipping into Pasadena against Alabama. Make no mistake about it, Texas vs. Alabama is going to be a great title game with two very deserving teams. I don't want to hear it from people who think this is somewhat of a mismatch just because of the performances yesterday. Texas, while looking far from pretty, found a way to win against a 9-3 Nebraska team with a words cannot describe defensive performance.

Don't laugh when I say this, but Nebraska's defense is the best in the country. While they are only 9th in Total Defense, they have played almost 200 more plays than top ranked TCU (904 to 729). The next closest team in front of them is Texas with only 855. They have only allowed 16 touchdowns in a league perennially known for offense. In Scoring Defense they are second behind Alabama only because they have allowed more field goals (146 to 143). They have also played 130 more plays than the Tide in the same amount of games. They also have Ndamukong Suh who is by-God the best defensive college football player I have ever seen. There is a reason this guy might be drafted first overall next spring and it was showcased in his tour de force against Texas. He had 4.5 sacks and 7 tackles for loss. At one point, he stopped McCoys progress with one arm and flung him down like a rag doll. I was literally just stunned the entire game against how great this guy was. And this isn't even to mention that this defense has won 9(!) games with that petty excuse for an offense. Could you imagine if they had someone like Ingram or Tebow or an offense like Texas to keep them off the field as much as they have been and then readjust their already great stats? 2009 Nebraska was a waste of one the best and extremely underappreciated defenses in college football history because of an offense that would struggle to score against Texas high schools.

What an end to a season that has otherwise lacked some of the drama of years past. Now we have a great a title matchup between two great defenses (no running back has rushed for 100 yards against Texas this year) and two sure to be Heisman finalists in Ingram and McCoy. I don't know about y'all but I am extremely pumped for the bowl season. Giddy up.

Luck of the Draw (Part 1)

It should be a testament to how far soccer has come in this country that the draw for the 2010 World Cup was broadcast live in a 3 hour block on ESPN 2. America used to not care a bit about soccer, let alone understand the way the draw worked enough to televise it. Not the case anymore.

And seemingly in order to repay American investment, the Americans were given the most favorable draw in recent memory. I'll get to that later. At a glance, here are the groups and what I believe you can expect from the games, which begin Friday June 11 in South Africa.

How can you mention the World Cup Draw without mentioning how ungodly hot Charlize Theron is? Good lord, book my ticket to SA if women look half that good. She's almost as hot as David Beckhams haircut is bad...almost.

2010 World Cup Draw

Group A:

South Africa

Mexico

Uruguay

France

France needs to go on a gambling run in Vegas immeditely. They have caught an unbelievable bit of luck in the past month. To get into the World Cup, they used an obvious double handball to leave Ireland out in the cold and qualify for the 2010 draw. Now they're the clear favorites advance from this group. The luck of playing the host nation, South Africa cannot be understated. They'll have a near guaranteed win over the Springboks. Before that, they'll take on a team in Uruguay that faded down the stretch of CONMEBOL qualifying and just made the draw. Finally, they'll face Mexico, the second best team in the weak CONCACAF region. The French will take this group with Mexico qualifying for the round of 16 right behind them. So long South Africa! Join your fans in the stands.

Don't underestimate the emotional spark playing a World Cup game on home turf can give me a team. France won the tournament as hosts in 1998, Korea made it to the semifinals in 2002, and Germany also lost in the semifinals in 2006. I'm not saying the Hosts will beat Le'Bleu, or go nearly as far as hosts past, but you have to give them more credit than this. They'll be a tough out.

Group B:

Argentina

Nigeria

South Korea

Greece

Argentina narrowly avoided a play-in game with Costa Rica prompting manager Diego Maradona to go into a profanity-filled tirade extolling the advanced state of Argentine futbol. They have the world's best player in Lionel Messi, but not a ton of other pieces. They are certainly not a sure thing to progress to the next round. Mainly, they'll have to contend with 3 other selections that are all wild cards, at times showing unbelievable talent, at times playing an inept brand of the beautiful game. Nigeria will be the most athletic team in the group. Their talent is raw and undeveloped, but batten down the hatches and pray for help should they get organized and attack for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. South Korea has limited big name talent (San Ji Park plays in the Premier League) but they have a talented group of forwards that took them to the semifinals in 2002 as the host nation and allowed them to advance from the group stage in 2006. They are no easy victory for anyone in this draw. Greece is quite possibly the world's most frustrating team. They have extremely limited offensive capabilities, but woe to those who fall behind the Greeks. After scoring a goal, they've been known to pack 11 in the box on defense and abandon an attack completely. They rode this stingy strategy to a massive upset victory in Euro 2004 and used it again to qualify for 2010.  The biggest question will be which of those three teams can put it together for three straight games to advance alongside Argentina. I like the Greeks in another upset of smaller proportions than Euro 04.

Random musings on Group B. Argentina's baby blue and white striped jerseys are the slickest in the the tournament. Can't express how exciting it is to see what hairstyles are trendy in Asia in June 2010. South Korea always provides a good look into those crazy Easterners, whether it be a Sonic the Hedgehog style spike or a Rufio induced red hair dye. I love it. I'd rather just take a nap instead of watch Greece play. They are pretty similar, except I actually get rest in the former. Do I know anything about Nigerian soccer? Of course not. And I question the validity that Mitch does either.

Group C:

England

United States

Algeria

Slovenia

Somehow, the Americans got exactly what they wanted. In ESPN's draw coverage, reporter Rob Stone was hanging out in a bar on the Eastside of Manhattan. The American fans in attendance broke into chants of "We want England!"  Well we got it.  Aside from being placed in Group A with the host nation, England is a great scenario for the Americans, especially with star David Beckham having played against the better part of the American roster for the last 3 years. Few surprises with that matchup. Then comes Algeria, the final (and so worst) African qualifier. The most talented Algerians (like Zenadine Zidane) emigrate to France, leaving the cupboard somewhat bare there. Slovenia is the smallest country to qualify for the world cup. Aside from that fact and a highly organized style of play, they have never made much of a name for themselves in international play. The Yanks and Brits will advance here, with the winner on day one determining who's the winner and who's the runner up. Unfortunately, I like the more talented and better midfield of England to win the revolutionary rematch. But that may be fortunate as we shall see.

Not sure how it matters that Americans have played against Beckham. Aside from sporting the worst haircut in professional sports and having the voice of a female porn star, the dude is just a figurehead for the national team. The best players for England are unquestionably a healthy Gerrard and Lampard. Nevertheless, England has more of a chance of adopting the American flag than not making it through this group. That brings us to the Americans. I am sure everyone is very optimistic after the Red, White and Blue beat Spain and got two goals up against Brazil in the finals of the Confederations Cup. You know what high expectations mean though, don't you? America always seems to falter under these types of circumstances. They should get through but I don't see Slovenia and Algeria as any sort of cream puffs. Slovenia beat a very talented and well coached Russia team while Algeria beat the African League champions in Egypt. 

Group D:

Germany

Australia

Ghana

Serbia

Germany hosted the last World Cup in 2006 and lost on PKs to Italy. They are just as strong this time around and should mow down the rest of this group with typical German efficiency. Ghana is Africa's best team and has a legitimate chance to be the first ever African World Cup winner. Australia and Serbia simply can't match up with the stronger teams in the group. Germany will take this group over Ghana.

Where are you getting these soccer facts? Ghana is currently the fourth highest FIFA ranked African nation, a whopping 18 spots below Cameroon. Whatever, they have sick jerseys. Germany rolls on like a Panzer. 

Group E:

Netherlands

Japan

Cameroon

Denmark

The Dutch side looked like the clear favorite to win Euro 2008, annihalating oppenents by four and five goals inthe group stage. I picked them to win the tournament with ease. Then they were inexplicably upset by Russia when the Ruskies scored 2 goals in extra time. Russia 3 Holland 1 still strikes me as a bigger upset than most people realize in the Western Hemisphere. The Dutch are REALLY good, and certainly better than the other three teams in this group. The battle for runnerup is a toss up. I'll go with the physically imposing if unorganized Cameroonians to take second.

If you haven't learned by now that the Dutch always look amazing in group play only to lose in some fashion in the next round, than, well my friend, you haven't been watching the Oranje for too many years. They are notorious for the flame out (although losing to a solid Russian team in Euro is not a huge upset, especially in a sport like soccer). Cameroon is also the best team in Africa and could give the Netherlands a run for first place. Denmark and Japan? Whatever.

Group F:

Italy

New Zealand

Paraguay

Slovakia

Italy looks weak heading into it's title defense. It features an aging back line and suffered an embarrassing defeat to Egypt (who did not qualify for the draw) that allowed the US to move forward in the Confederations Cup this passed Summer.  They'll still win this group, but can their D match their O? We'll see. New Zealand is a rugby nation and Slovakia is a European throw in. Paraguay will advance as the group's runner up.

Italy never looks too imposing until World Cup time, so I won't count out the defending champion Azzurri from making another run at the trophy. Losing to Egypt, who won the African Cup, is not really that embarrassing. They also got handed a group which is easier than Britney Spears. Slovakia will probably have a different name in a few years and New Zealand could field sheep and still be as dangerous to advance. Paraguay is a solid representative from South America and will advance as well.

Group G:

Brazil

North Korea

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Hola Grupo de Muerte! The North Korean side will probably get outscored 12-0 in their three games next summer. Too bad Kim Jong Il can't play for them, since the 5-foot, Zoolander-haired, nuclearly inclined, sociopathic leader is also a sports prodigy (or so North Korean media will tell you). Since Spain won Euro 2008, Portugal has become the new Spain. This is not a good thing, as the Spanish were notorious for under achieving despite impressive talent. We all witnessed the wrath of Brazil in their second half comeback against the Americans to win the Confed Cup final 3-2 over the US. They are impressive. Then there's the Ivory Coast, an African anomaly in that they have the best-managed talent and athleticism on the contienent. The Brazilians will Win the group, and I like Didier Drogba and the Ivory Coast to continue to allow Portugal to underachieve.

Yes, in any language this is the Group of Death. Brazil and Portugal are two of the most talented teams in the world as well as being two of the most fun to watch. Ivory Coast is dangerous and has one of the worlds premiere players in Drogba. It's really a Russian roulette on who the odd team out will be in advancing. I caught Brazil play at the Confederations Cup and what I saw in the second half against the US was truly dominant so I can't see the 4 time World Cup champions not moving on. That leaves the Ivory Coast and Portugal to duke it out for second. I see Portugal putting their talent together to advance.

Group H:

Spain

Honduras

Chile

Switzerland

The Swiss will be the odd team out in this spanish-speaking group. Nevermind, they'll be content being the happiest nation in the world with their overwhelming amounts of money and chocolate and lack of war. One week is all they get in South Africa, so it's nice to know they'll have that to go home to. I had the pleasure of living in Chile in the summer of 2008, so I am happy to see the Chileans in the World Cup. But having watched them try to qualify last summer, I simply was not impressed with their ability or style of play. I have to say the opposite for Honduras, which upset Mexico and is quite a feisty bunch. I like the Hondurans to advance alongside the obvious favorite in World #1 Spain.

Looking at this group made me yawn. Spain, Switzerland. 

So their you go:

1A: France

2A: Mexico

1B: Argentina

2B: Greece

1C: England

2C: USA

1D: Germany

2D: Ghana

1E: Netherlands

2E: Cameroon

1F: Italy

2F: Paraguay

1G: Brazil

2G: Ivory Coast

1H: Spain

2H: Honduras

I'll be back tomorrow with my picks to win the whole thing and hold the most underwhelming trophy in sports

Move Over Rachel Glandorf

The Sporting Dudes have an ambitious schedule for December.  That much will be evident as we struggle to drag our asses into 2010.  This is the third article we've posted today...I mean come on, that's impressive, right imaginary readers? (You're all saying yes in my schizophrenic head)

Well, this website began in October 2009 with a simple college football picks column and a picture of Colt McCoy's goddess of a girlfriend Rachel Glandorf.  Much as I adore this blonde vixen, I have found a new 2009 Heisman hopeful's girlfriend to be irrationally obsessed with.  If you think you hate Tim Tebow now, I beg you to avert your eyes.

Lucy Pinder

Lucy Pinder

LUCY FUCKING PINDER

Three things should be noted here.  First: Lucy Pinder is not actually Tim Tebow's girlfriend.  She is just a big breasted British model that most of you now want to bang.  Second: the girl in the picture with Tebow is not actually Lucy Pinder.  They just look a lot alike.  Third: the Rev. Tim Tebow I'm quite certain would have no idea how to handle this woman.  But in truth, which of would not bow to our knees and immediately begin praying in thanks to God upon seeing this woman naked?

I say good for Timmy Tebow, even if they are just Platonic friends or whatever the case may be.  I guess Rachel Glandorf still reigns supreme.

Enjoy the eye candy and keep reading the Sporting Dudes!

Bobby Bowden: The Chief Deserved Better

T.S. Eliot once wrote in "The Hollow Men," " This is the way the world ends; not with a bang but a whimper." Now writers have been quoting him since he quipped that original passage, so I suppose it's cliche to use it once again, but as it applies to Bobby Bowden, it seems apropos.

Tuesday morning, Bowden's 34 year reign as the Chief of the Florida State Seminoles came to an end. It did not come with fanfare, or fireworks, or an undefeated season, or a banquet, or a punch of an opposing player (a la Woody Hayes...now that was going out with a bang). It came with another 6-6 season and a 6th straight drubbing at the hands of rival Florida. This was followed by days of speculation about his future, then a meeting with FSU president TK Wetherell, then an ultimatum to Bowden: come back as head coach in name only and hand over all decisions to coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher or don't come back at all. Bowden decided not to come back at all rather than be humiliated as the figurehead of a struggling regime.

So the second winningest coach in Division 1-A history and the face of Florida State football for 34 years surrendered to Wetherell, a former player no less. This is a sad, sad thing for Bowden and college football in general.

I had the pleasure of meeting the man and sharing a plane ride with him between Tallahassee and Fort Lauderdale. Bowden is a good, simple man to the core. He has spent his life embodying a caricature of an old southern football coach. He has been married to his wife since they were teenagers. When he sneaks away from her, he enjoys Baby Ruths and longcut chewing tobacco. He had a more personal connection to the fan base than many coaches have in today's college football landscape where coaches offer to leak confidential inormation to alumni for increased donations (Dennis Franchione at Texas A&M kind of reminds me of Scientology).

Each offseason he would travel all over Florida on the "Bowden Tour" cultivating his alumni base, telling stories, signing autographs, and more recently defending his coaching philosophy. When some little old lady from Williston asked Bowden why he couldn't control defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews's mouth (Andrews could commonly be seen on TV yelling "horseshit!), Bowden responded, "Do you know how long it took me to get him to say horseshit?" He was a man who to all outward appearances lived a simple, happy football-obssessed life. He was kind of like Brett Favre would be If he weren't completely full of shit.

There is no denying that FSU's teams had been going downhill for some time. Aside from the obvious annual massacre in recruiting and on the field at the hands of Florida and Urban Meyer, FSU built a trend of having an enormous reservoir of unrealized talent. Take a look at the number of first and second round draft picks from FSU from the last 10 years (since Bowden's last national title) and compare that to the results of the seasons in which they played for the Noles. There is no conceivable reason that all of that stockpiled talent performed so poorly other than a lack of adequate coaching to pull it all together. And this is wherein the rub ultimately lies for Coach Bowden. Great recruiting, great football mind, great fundraiser, 7-6 results with 10-2 talent.

But still, the man deserved better than what he got. Before Bobby Bowden, FSU football wasn't much of anything. He built that place. Joe Paterno was able to fight off similar swipes at his head in the early 2000s. But Bowden could not silence the ever-enlarging number of FSU alumni who refused to donate to the athletic boosters and the university at large unless Bobby was gone.

Nole nation seems to be very excited for the Jimbo Fisher era to begin. Well, let's see how that worked out at Michigan (after Lloyd Carr) at Notre Dame (after Lou Holtz), at Virginia (after George Welsh), at Tennessee (after Phil Fulmer), at Nebraska (after Tom Osborne), at Kansas State (after Bill Snyder, although he's back), or at any other university I am neglecting where a longtime, successful coach was wished gone by some alumni (maybe not in the case of Osborne or Snyder) who then were even less happy with what they got.

Be careful what you wish for Noles fans. Jimbo Fisher is no panacea just as Bobby Bowden was no pandemic. He was a good man who shouldve been able to coach until he died on the sidelines if he so desired.

In the end, it may be the Noles fans whimpering rather than Bowden himself.

Bowden was great for Florida State and more importantly he was great for college football. For all intensive purposes I have never heard or read a bad thing about Bowden the man before. But this isn't about that. This is about Bowden the Coach. And Bowden the Coach has not been up to the task of his job the past half the decade as his program has spiraled into mediocrity. I'll echo Stewart Mandel's sentiments that, yeh, maybe he deserved better, but one more year, though, where every other person associated with Florida State football -- from anointed successor Jimbo Fisher; to 100-plus players and a class of potential recruits; to hundreds of thousands of disgruntled fans; to an athletic department whose coffers suffered when a reported 25,000 Doak Campbell seats went empty for the 'Noles' final home game -- would be forced to wait in limbo and watch another year of bad football solely so the revered coach could enjoy a proper farewell tour.