NFL Sick 16: Week 9: Same Teams, Different Order

I'm sitting here watching the World Series of Poker, and despite the fact that I already know the winner, I can't seem to take my eyes off the TV.  I'm struggling to write this column, and that's a sad commentary on the NFL this year.  I'm watching a fat logger from Western Maryland sitting at a table with a clueless but lucky 21-year-old from Michigan.  And apparently this is more interesting than talking about the NFL at this point in the season.


I said last week that this is a sucky NFL season.  Well this week, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  We have a bunch of teams that regularly under-achieve which culminates into relatively few good games week. Eight out of 13 games this week were double digit wins. The good games were mainly between shitty teams. Anybody getting excited about the Titans and 49ers?  How about the Chiefs and Jags?  Anyone?


We had a great game between the Chargers and Giants, and kudos to San Diego for a great final drive and some great drama.  Sunday Night Football between the Eagles and Cowboys was a great game too.  But still, the majority of the games were not within one possession, and that sucks the drama out of the week, and for that, I still assert that this NFL season sucks.


We're only halfway through (every team has played at least 8 games at this point) though, so this season does have the potential to turn itself around.  November football is always more intense, and subsequently so is December football.


But as you're going to see when you take a look at these rankings, despite some major missteps by some of the teams on this list, the teams have not changed. That's due in part to the fact that the teams below them have either proven to suck or at the very least have yet to hit their stride.  I'll explain, but until the league gets better, I suggest turning to gambling and hard drugs on Sundays.  You know, to make it interesting.

As always, I've given you the 12 playoff teams and 2 teams from each conference that could make the playoffs if things go their way.


16) Green Bay Packers (14) (4-4)

Before you go crazy because the Pack lost to a winless Tampa Bay team that looked like a college team for most of the year, take a look at who might replace the Packers here.  They already beat the Bears (4-4).  So who else is there?  3-5 San Francisco?  3-5 Carolina? 3-5 Seattle?  No way in HELL.  I agree, the loss to Tampa Bay is inexcusable, but Green Bay's other three losses are to Cincinnati and Minnesota twice.  Those are two division leaders and two very good teams.  I hate to do it, but how can I take Green Bay off this list with those facts on the table?

JNG: Um, you do realize the Packers just lost to a team that would struggle to stay afloat in the SEC? I could care less who their other losses are when you lose to a team that couldn't beat the Redskins, you don't deserve to be ranked. Period.



15) Houston Texans (15) (5-4)

Again, I hate to keep a team where they are after a loss, but the Texans took an undefeated team to the brink on the road.  A missed Kris Brown field goal is all that kept them from taking the Colts to overtime.  Now they head into a bye week with a chance to figure things out.  Maybe Steve Slaton can hold onto the ball and keep my fantasy team on life support.  Maybe Andre Johnson will stop coughing up blood.  I don't know, but they've got a chance.

JNG: I still think this team has an outside shot at getting a wild care and being dangerous come January. With that being said, let me voice a qualm I have had with the Texan franchise for quite some time. Why the hell would you make your team colors the ever-so-generic red, whtie and blue? I mean its not like 3/4 of the league have that color scheme in some form. I really think I need to get into the branding business solely to help out with professional jerseys.



14) New York Giants (13) (5-4)

Another disappointing loss at home. Four straight losses. And Tom Coughlin is getting angrier and redder in the face by the minute.  For most teams, a week off would be a good thing.  That's never the case for a New York team.  The New York media will second guess everything from Eli Manning's injury to Brandon Jacobs's lack of ability to score from the one yard line despite being an ox.  They have to be desperate for a win, and the bye week is the only week they can't possibly get one.  They'll still be 5-4 next week, but at this point a bye week and all that pressure from the home crowd is a loss for the GMen.

JNG: Where does Tom Coughlin fall on the list of ugliest head coaches in professional sports? I'm drawing a blank right now for anyone I'd put ahead of him. And that's not even factoring in HD. On a personal note, I was riding the freight elevator in an office building I was at yesterday. The freight guy was reading one of the million tabloid city papers here in New York and it was an article about the demise of the Giants. Some other guy made a comment to him about how they'll be better next season and the freight guy shook him off with that classic New York brashness, "Nah, we're too good this year". I guess he was still high from the Yankee parade because teams that are "too good" don't lose four straight no matter what the scenario.

13) San Diego Chargers (16) (5-3)

For weeks this team did nothing to get kicked off this list, and they also did nothing to move up it.  Well, they've moved up it.  A win in Giants Stadium will do that for you.  It helps especially when your star quarterback, who's already an ass hole, gets to show up the team that drafted him only so they could trade him for his counterpart. Philip Rivers is one of the douchiest guys in the league, but you have to give him credit for cleaning out the dirty vagina that was the San Diego Chargers (hold on, I have to throw up after that analogy.....................and I'm back and three pounds lighter.).  Now San Diego is 5-3, only a game and a half behind Denver (who has lost two straight) and playing well enough to beat the Giants with a thrilling two minute drill that was the best moment of the week.  So why are they still out of the playoff hunt here?  Well, they've already lost to Baltimore and Pittsburgh, the two teams that I expect to grab the two Wild Card spots in the AFC.  Stay tuned imaginary readers.

JNG: I'll disagree with my counterpart here and say I love Rivers brashness. He's a competitor, he hates losing, and it shows in his on the field cockiness and off the field remarks. I'm sick of the era of athletes being so prim and proper and media savvy; always trying to be the nice guy and friends with everybody. I want someone who has an edge to him. Rivers is one of the leagues best QBs.

12) Philadelphia Eagles (9) (5-3)

My colleague put it right last week when he wrote, "I've seen Philly do the hot and cold thing" basically every year this decade.  They lose to Oakland, they destroy the Giants, they lose to the Cowboys at home.  Memo to Andy Reid: you and the challenge don't get along.  I saw what Andy saw last week, and it really seemed like the refs were just giving a big F You to that red-headed walrus every time he challenged a play.  But the Eagles (so far) have at least proven that they are better than the Giants and Packers, and sadly, that's all it's going to take to make the playoffs in the NFC.

JNG: (Nodding my head approvingly)

11) Arizona Cardinals (12) (5-3)

See how good this team can be when they don't give it away on every possession.  They handled the Bears D like a fat man at Golden Corral.  How sick (and when I say sick I mean that in a bad way) is it that Golden Corral's slogan is "Help yourself to happiness?"  Reminds me of the one experience I had at a feed trough style restaurant in Myrtle Beach.  My Dad and I found a seafood buffet, of which there's about 500 on King's Highway there.  We had just finished a long day of golf and had not eaten.  We were starving.  So we hit up Calabash Seafood Buffet, modestly fill our plates, and head to a table.  We were about to dig into our shrimp and crab claws, when we took a look at the table next to us.  It was a family of 5 that must have literally weighed a ton (400 lbs each).  They had these sick, drunken grins on their faces, and my Dad and I thought, "Oh, well that's nice.  They're having a family dinner."  But the sick part was they weren't even talking to each other.  They were just greedily eating like The Simpson family.  My Dad and I took one look at each other, put down our forks, and did not take a single bite.  We left, not even hungry anymore.

So what does that have to do with the Cardinals and Bears?  Not much really, but that is just kind of the mentality that the Cardinals have when they're in that unstoppable mode.  Tim Hightower had his best rushing performance of the season, and Beanie Wells is playing very well for a rookie.  If they play like they did Sunday, look for them to be the fat family at the buffet...over-indulging at a sickening rate, and then going back for more.

JNG: I am not really sure how that analogy goes with the Cardinals at all, but I dig it. Par for the course, the Cardinals are your best bet to crash the Vikings-Saints NFC Title clash.


10) Atlanta Falcons (11) (5-3)
Way to go guys, you beat the Redskins. It's like beating up on a blind retarded kid. Then the 'Skins lost Clinton Portis, and it was like beating up on a blind retarded kid who's paralyzed from the waste down. I have a Sean Taylor jersey that I bought about two weeks before his death. I remember thinking at the time, "Do I want Jason Campbell, LaRon Landry, Clinton Portis, Chris Cooley, or Sean Taylor?" I settled on Taylor because I thought he'd be around for the longest. Tragically, I was wrong. But I still wear the jersey because Sean Taylor is forever a Redskin now. But this season, I've worn it maybe once. This team just does not do the late, great Taylor justice. It's sad to watch. So the Falcons move up by beating the Redskins, but that's really not much of an accomplishment.

JNG: Hey, at least your not a Bills fan. Haven't been able to wear are memorabilia with pride since the first Bush was president.  

 9) Baltimore Ravens (7) (4-4)


Last week my colleague and I labeled Baltimore the best three loss team in the league.  Now they're the best four loss team.  They have a worse record than the Falcons at 10, but in a game between the Falcons and Ravens, I'm taking Baltimore. The Ravens are clearly a good team, as evidenced by their 30-6 destruction of then undefeated Denver. But they are clearly not an elite team, because they're the third best team in their division and should snap up the final wild card spot in the playoffs. I call them first round fodder.

JNG: Remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry had the "two-faced" girlfriend? You know, the one where she looks incredible in certain lighting and then atrocious in other lighting. She even thinks Jerry is cheating on her because Kramer tells her she is much prettier than Jerry's girlfriend because he saw her in the bad lighting. Well, I give you the 2009 Baltimore Ravens. What's the lighting going to be like this week?


8) Dallas Cowboys (10) (6-2)

The single greatest moment of my weekend was Miles Austin catching a 49-yard touchdown pass to single-handedly win me my fantasy matchup.  I'm a 'Skins fan, yet I've never been happier to see a Cowboy hit paydirt.  Can I believe that the 'Boys are in first in the NFC East?  Not really.  But with the Eagles unable to make up their minds and with the Giants reeling, this really is the best team in the division.  Tony Romo is playing the most turnover free ball since he became a starter.  All three running backs are healthy.  After a week of trouble, Roy Williams goes out and has a great game.  Now they have two marquee receivers, a pro bowl tight end, and one hell of a supply of running backs.  They also have a great pass rush, and Keith Brooking is having one of his best seasons ever after being cast off by Atlanta.  If they figure out their secondary problems, look out league.

Somehwere Jessica Simpson is crying.

JNG: You forgot to mention this team is coached by Wade Phillips. Wade Phillips... 


MLC: I think Wade and Jessica have the same dietician.
7) Denver Broncos (8) (6-2)

Two straight losses, and all of a sudden boy wonder Josh McDaniels is getting outcoached.  The Broncos were owned by the Ravens two weeks ago, and then again by the Steelers who reminded Kyle Orton that he is Kyle Orton.  Now (as I mentioned earlier), they face a Chargers team that is coming off an incredible victory in Giants Stadium.  If they lose this game at home, it'll be a dead heat with the Chargers at the top of the AFC West.  It'll also be three losses in a row after six straight wins to start the season.  Next week is only week 10, but it may well make or break the season for Denver.

JNG: Getting ahead of ourselves here Mitch. The Broncos play the Washington Replacements which is about as close to a bye week as you can get. Except you get to add a W onto your record. But, yes, the past two weeks have reminded us why the Bears were so eager to get rid of Orton and upgrade to Cutler (who despite the loss had a very productive game). Pretty much if you have a Purdue quarterback and his last name isn't Brees, don't expect too much.

6) New England Patriots (3) (6-2)

Tom Brady and Randy Moss looked like the 2007 versions of themselves against the Dolphins on Sunday.  This team is good, and they have Bill Belichek.  Throw a healthy Lawrence Maroney into that mix, and you have a really good team that will "bounce back" from an 11-5 season last year.  I fully expect them to steam roll the rest of this division and head into the playoffs at 12-4 or better.

JNG: Id know a lot more about this team if they hadn't just won 3 straight against teams with a combined 4 wins. Guess we will find out more this Sunday with the annual Manning-Brady Bowl.


5) Minnesota Vikings (6) (7-1)

You may ask all you like why the 7-1 Vikings are ranked behind two two-loss teams.  The simple reason is that the Vikings lost to Pittsburgh, who lost to Cincinnati. Ipso facto, I'm your boss.  The Vikings are really good and now they're well-rested.  It won't get any tougher than a bye week as they take on the Lions at home this week. 

The more Brett Favre plays indoors and the less the cold weather can effect his old bones, the better.  And guess what?  They play three straight home games, then head to the paradisaical desert in Arizona, then return home to Minnesota to take on the Bengals.  The Vikes don't have to play a cold weather game until December 20th when they play at Carolina.  But A) Charlotte, NC is not that cold of a place, and B) the Panthers are not a very good team.  The Vikings have one tough, cold weather game remaining at Chicago on December 27th.  I'm calling it: this team is going at least 14-2 and will have at least a two-seed if not the one-seed.  Either way, they'll be playing in a Dome throughout the playoffs and if they make the Super Bowl they play in Miami.  I'm getting WAY ahead of myself here, but Brett Favre could conceivably win the Super Bowl after playing in sub-50 degree temperatures just once in a two month span.

I like their chances.  A lot.

JNG:  I am going to disagree with Mitch again on his placing the Vikings this low. They quite clearly are the third best team in football at this point. Losing to the Steelers should only matter if they had the same record. They don't. Let's not forget that that game was also played in Pittsburgh and that Minnesota kind of beat themselves. And, come on, your telling me your taking the Bengals in a head-to-head match-up against Brett Favre and his offensive arsenal? Really? I sure as hell wouldn't. 


4) Pittsburgh Steelers (5) (6-2)

A trademark Mike Tomlin victory over Denver brings the Steelers up a spot.  Do we realize how good this defense is with Troy Polamalu?  Not to beat the fantasy angle into the ground, but I was up 7 points going into Monday night, and my opponent had Knowshon Moreno.  Was I scared?  Hell no.  I knew he'd put up a goose egg because nobody runs on the Steelers D.  And it's been that way for YEARS.  Moreno did put up a zero, the Broncos did not score an offensive touchdown, and the Steelers romped 28-10.  In many ways, the Cardinals were the worst possible matchup for the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII because they had no commitment to a running game and didn't waste their time trying to run the ball and establish a run game like most teams do.  Don't even bother.  You're not running the ball against these guys.  Thats gets me to thinking: How would the Saints do against the Steelers with that prolific passing attack.  Don't know but I'd love to find out in Miami in February.


JNG: Mitch just went from six to midnight talking about the Steelers defense. First off, you shouldn't be afraid of Knowshon Moreno because he's a rookie. I'm still going with saying this team is overrated. Let's not forget they lost to the Bears and that no matter how good their rush defense is, their pass defense is a very mediocre 14th in the league. 

3) Cincinnati Bengals (4) (6-2)

I fully expected the Ravens to take it to the Bengals on Sunday and for them to move back on this list.  Then the Bengal defense dominated the Ravens offense, and the Bengal offense did just enough to sweep the season series with their division rivals.  I'm picking the Steelers over the Bengals this week in Pittsburgh, but if they do pull off the upset, I won't be surprised.  I watched Hard Knocks and this team looked feisty.  Now they're proving it.


JNG: Man, I got out of Charleston at just the right time to avoid all those carpetbagger Bengals fans shouting, "Who dey, who dey that think they can beat dem Bengals?"

2) Indianapolis Colts (2) (8-0)

Two close wins over two teams that may or may not be any good.  The jury is still out on the Texans and the 49ers start Alex Smith at quarterback.  But still, the Texans have a winning record and the 49ers only lost to the Texans by three in Houston, essentially making the two teams even odds.  Manning and company have skated by the past two weeks, but now they face the Patriots.  This team will not go undefeated, but I believe they will beat the Pats this weekend because it's a home game and because New England's D is not up to par with past years.  Manning over Brady...for now.


JNG: Not sure how much longer the Colts can get by with the amount of injuries they are suffering, especially on defense. No matter, sit back and enjoy two of the all time greats this weekend at Lucas Oil.

1) New Orleans Saints (1) (8-0)

Not a good game for the Saints this weekend, but they're defense came through for them just as it did in Miami and just as it did against the Falcons.  The Saints' D now has 8 defensive touchdowns (which is still far more than the Browns have scored offensively).  One of the League's best offenses, one of the League's best defenses, and a schedule full of last place teams.  I do not share my colleague's point of view that the Saints will threaten an undefeated season.  They still have the Patriots, Falcons, and Cowboys to play.  I predict they'll lose at least 2 of those three games (one of which will be at home).  They might not even get the number one seed.  But make no mistake, this team is the class of the League as it's stands after Week 9.


JNG: They can pass. They can run. They can score on offense, defense, and special teams. Their defense has been reinvented under Gregg Williams. That's not to mention that they have one of the best home fields in the league with the Superdome, an arena that has been absolutely electric after football returned following Hurricane Katrina. They may have been playing it close the past couple of weeks, but there isn't a more complete team in football right now.